being bill

The Buddha Fords the River (or the Path of Least Resistance is Not Always Best)

2012-02-14T06:01:00.000-06:00

I read Atlas Shrugged and Fountainhead back in my twenties and I wastaken with Ayn Rand’s view of the world. Or rather how the worldought to be. Now that I’ve become a Christian I’ve abandoned myyouthful fascination with Rand.

Atthe same time I was reading Rand I was practicing Buddhism. I knowthey don’t go together very well. Just as with Rand my conversionto Christianity has left Buddhism behind. I’d say there is truth inboth, but not the whole truth.

Whilediscussing these two disparate philosophies a good friend of mine putup this thought experiment. Imagine Ayn Rand and the Buddha trying tocross a river. Rand would no doubt build a bridge. Destroying atleast a little bit of the beauty of nature. The Buddha on the otherhand would simply wade into the river and let the current take himacross. At one with nature. Sounds good doesn’t it. At the time Iagreed that Buddha had the better take on this.

Whatthis thought experiment fails to take into consideration is that theworld, the river in this analogy, is not a peaceful stream doing usno harm. It is a dangerous place full of twists and turns andwaterfalls. There are two bad outcomes if you just let yourself justbe taken by the current of life. First it is quite possible you willnever get where you are going. Second there could be a thousand footwaterfall just around the bend you didn't see.

Don'tthink I am implying Ayn Rand's solution is the correct one in thisscenario. As with all of life a balance should be struck. There isa middle ground or fine line. Before building the bridge maybe youshould have found the low water crossing that was ten feet away.

I Could Kill a Man

2012-02-07T06:01:00.000-06:00

Afriend's relative gave him a gun for Christmas. One of those big semiautomatic numbers with a banana clip. Being on the left side ofpolitics his wife was not thrilled. They have a mature relationshipthough and he is keeping the gun. The compromise is that it will notbe loaded in the house. As his wife told Kay, my wife, they are notthe home security type.

I'mnot the home security type either. If you are going to own a gun forprotection you have to believe you can look a human being in the eyeand then pull the trigger. I have never believed that about myself. It is highly likely that I would hesitate in the moment of truth andmy indecision would give whoever I was intending to shoot the upperhand. So I have never owned a gun in my life, and until recentlynever fired one either.

Whilethinking about these facts I realized something has changed. I hadchildren. I also married a woman I very much want to grow old with.So if there was a situation where I honestly believed you were goingto hurt either my children or my wife could I kill you? Yes. I wouldpull the trigger without a second thought and put a hole right inyour head.

The Beauty of the Rough Draft

2012-01-31T06:01:00.000-06:00

Nothingcomes out perfect the first time. You must embrace the rough draft.When I started this blog in 2007 the way I wrote was directlyopposite that lesson. I would agonize over every word as I typed.Fretting about getting my point across and not sounding like acomplete moron. No matter how hard I tired though I never got itright the first time. There was always a second draft. Typically alot more than that.

Ideashave to get out of your head before they can be developed. You mightbe temped to think, as I am, that they are in there brewing anddeveloping. To a certain degree that is true, but they will developfaster if they are on the page. Only then can you see them for whatthey really are. If you are anything like me it's crap with just afew nuggets of beauty.

NowI can appreciate the rough draft. There is something appealing aboutideas in their original form. A purity that fades as they arepolished for outside consumption. The first draft is discovery. Ibegin by writing in stream of consciousness toward an idea. I writelike no one will ever see it because no one will. At times it ishard. At other times it is easy. Sometimes it feels like I am justthrowing ideas at the page to see what clumps together. It must comeout though because if I kept it in my head until it was perfect thatis exactly where it would stay.

How Would I Face Death?

2012-01-17T06:01:00.000-06:00

Weare all going to die. It is an inevitability that most of us, myselfincluded, do not contemplate very often. The inevitable has becomethe immediate for my friend Gary Devin. In late December doctorsfound a tumor setting between the two halves of his brain. He isalready exhibiting advanced signs of the disease and the average lifeexpectancy is fourteen months for the type of tumor he has. He huggedme the other day. It was the sweetest hug I've ever gotten.

I'venever faced death head on. I've always looked at it around thecorner. I've lost grandparents, people I've known in passing andfriends of friends but no one that would shatter me. That may be whyI've never been particularly scared of it and never really questioneddeath. I'm not one to scream at God demanding why he took someone soearly. The sun rises in the east. People die. It just is.

Whatevertrepidation I did have vanished when I became a Christian. Would thathold in the face of a terminal diagnosis? I like to think so, but Iimagine I'd spend at least a few days under my desk in the fetalposition gently rocking while I mumble no over and over again. Whythough? I believe I am beyond time. That our souls existed beforewe entered this plane of existence and will exist after we leave it.So why be scared to walk through a door? Maybe because it is theultimate unknown and the unknown scares us.

SoI do not question the reason or timing of our deaths. I am moreinterested in how we live our lives in the face of our inevitabledemise. I am not going to turn this blog into a live life to thefullest kind of thing though. I've already talked about that ideahere.

AllI'm saying is not to be scared. Death is only a door.

Ifyou need me I'll be under my desk.

Create vs Creative

2012-01-10T06:01:00.000-06:00

Lastweek I said writing was the easiest thing for me to do in order toget my creative fix. I worded that wrong. It is the easiest thingto do to fulfill my very human desire to create. I use my creativityall the time in Architecture to solve problems, but I don't get tocreate much.

Youcan be creative in any number of contexts. Creativity doesn't haveto be about the arts. The stay at home mom that figures out a betterway to organize her diaper changing table so she can change hersquirmy little boy as fast as possible is being creative. Thestructural engineer that designs a structure to hold up the artsyArchitects weird design is being creative. To design a bettermousetrap you have to be creative. It doesn't have to be aboutwriting the great American novel.

Whenthe Bible says we were created in God's image it is not talking aboutour physical form. Free will and our ability to create are what makeus similar to God. That is why creating is one of our fundamentalneeds. Tocreate is to reach down deep into yourself and pull something out. To bring form to the void. To make something from nothing. To fillthe blank page or change the pile of wood into a cabinet. The act ofcreating reaches down into a fundamental part of ourselves and weneed to express that in some form. Writing works me. What does foryou?

What Would a Kick-Ass 2012 Look Like?

2012-01-03T06:01:00.000-06:00

2011was a really tough year for me and my family. My son Grayson changedfrom a stationary bundle of cuteness into a roving force of chaos. Adjusting to a mobile one year old boy consumed a lot of mental andphysical energy. My daughter Mackenzie turned five and we decidedshe was not ready for kindergarten. In my opinion this was our firstmajor parental decision, and it was a hard one. She still had to dealwith a big adjustment in that we switched her preschool to where shewill go to kindergarten next year. I went back to work after beinglaid off for seven months. As it always is they hired me threemonths after I was needed so the summer was a lot of hours at theoffice which is hard on all of us. Things are good though and Ireally have no complaints.

Anotherbig thing that happened in 2011 was that I started listening to theNerdist Podcast. This is significant because it reminded me that Iam a creative person and in order to be mentally healthy I have toexpress that in some form. The Podcast also introduced me to anotherworld of great and creative people on twitter.

Socoming off a very challenging year and being inspired I really wantto make 2012 a kick-ass year. There are a million things I'd like toimprove in my life, but flossing more regularly and organizing mymusic don't necessarily make an awesome year. So what does akick-ass 2012 look like for me?

Architecture

I'vebeen working in architecture since 1998. While I could have been alicensed Architect years ago I never really felt I knew enough untilthe past couple of years. I won't be able to complete the licensingprocess this year because I just don't think I can get through allseven tests in one year. I am going to knock out four of themthough. The one I failed last year and three new ones.

Writing

Ithink deep down I am a creative Renaissance man. I can see myselfdoing wood working, sculpting, writing and music at some point in thefuture. At this point in my life though the easiest thing to get mycreative fix is to write. I've really come to enjoy writing even ifwhat I write sucks at the end. At the very least I always enjoytyping words. I am going to focus my writing on this blog and put outa lot more content this year. That alone would be good but notkick-ass. So I am going to tackle some of the hard topics I havealways meant to. Like the common misconceptions about Christianityand where my views fit on the political spectrum.

Fitness

Ifyou saw me on the street you would not consider me overweight, but Iam thirty pounds heavier than I want to be. So it would fantastic ifI could drop those pounds and be fit enough to ride The Dam Loop. For those outside the Austin cycling community the Dam Loop is a 50mile cycling route that goes by the dam that forms Lake Travis.

Travel

Thereare two vacations I have in my head and it would be awesome if wecould take either one. The first is to visit my friend Tammy inGuatemala. She's there with her husband and family doing missionarywork for the church. The second is to go out to Los Angeles. I havea couple friend's there and so much I want to do. Like go to theWednesday night Meltdown show with one of the hosts of the NerdistPodcast. See a show at the Disney Concert Hall which was designed byFrank Ghery. There is more to this goal than just taking a vacationthough. We'll need a lot of money for either of these trips and thatgoes into a 2012 goal that I'm not going to discuss on the blog!

TheTruck

Acouple years ago my dad gave me the Dodge pick-up truck we drove whenwe moved from Potsdam, NY to Merkel, TX in 1981. I will fullyrestore it at some point. I know I wont' be able to do it all thisyear but I am going to do something on it. Just one thing. What isimplied in this goal is cleaning the garage. The truck is buried injunk right now and it's going to take a bit to get where I can workon it.

Clean Your Plate Billy!

2011-11-12T08:48:00.001-06:00

Myparents were not clean your plate kind of people. Why is it thenthat I feel compelled to eat everything I'm served. Even when I knowits too much. For instance I love Jimmy John's number twelve BeachClub. It is turkey breast, provolone cheese, avocado, slicedcucumber, sprouts, lettuce, tomato, and mayo on a white roll. Onetasty sandwich. Add salt and vinegar chips and a coke and I'm inheaven. The calorie count on this concoction is overwhelming. I wastrying to do weight watchers a few months back and I calculated thepoints value at around eighteen for just the sandwich. That's abouthalf my allotted points per day. So I'd eat half the sandwich andsave the rest for the next day. It was a little soggy and less thantasty after twenty-four hours in the fridge so I stopped doing that.

NowI eat the whole thing. My waistline be damned. What I want to do iseat half and throw away the rest. I just can't bring myself to do itthough. It feels like such a waste. I paid for the whole thing Ishould eat the whole thing right? What if I thought about it likethis. The point of eating is to not be hungry and get enoughcalories to continue at my level of activity. If that is half ofwhat is typically served to me at every single restaurant in Americaso be it. Half the meal served its purpose. I'm not wasting my money. I am wasting food though. There are hungry children in Africa afterall. My other half of a Chuychanga is going to be pretty nastybefore it gets to them though. If I eat the whole thing it's notgoing to help them anyway and its going to make me fat. Where is thesense in that?

A Hardwick Lesson

2011-11-05T20:53:00.002-05:00

Ireally have no idea how many people read this blog or if anyone getsanything out of it. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself. Or at most to my wife. Which is lovely but what's the point? Ithink Chris Hardwick would say the point of doing the blog is doingthe blog.

I'vebeen totally obsessed with Chris Hardwick's Nerdist podcast lately. So much so that I had to stop listening at work because I wasn'tgetting enough done. I'd just sit there listening to Chris, Jonah,and Matt laughing as quiet as possible so the bosses wouldn't catchon to what I was up to. The Nerdist podcast is three guys justtalking about whatever and bringing on people to talk about whatever. The whatever seems to focus a lot on the creative process which isjust fascinating to me.

ChrisH. started the podcast because he wanted to. It interested him. Hehad no idea it would turn into the giant thing it has. I imagine hisbiggest hope was it would bring out a few more people to his standupshows. If the Podast has a main point other than the creative processit is to do what you love just because you love doing it. If you getit out there you will eventually find an audience.

Whileits not terribly important to me that I have a huge audience I wouldlike people to read my blog. The fact is though I just love writingit. I'm not pretending to be anyone else here. This is really thestuff I think about. I have no agenda. My favorite subject isreligion and particularly what Jesus taught. I struggle withmotivation and getting stuff done. This is just me thinking thingsout. This is the stuff I would love to talk about at a coffee shopwith friends

Ihave decided that even if my wife is the only person that reads thisblog I will keep doing it until I don't find it interesting anymore. So thank you Chris.

The Pain I Have Inflicted

2011-11-02T09:00:00.000-05:00

WhenKay was sixteen years old she ran away from home. Not the I'm goingto a friend's house for one night cause I'm mad at my parents kind ofrunning away. The fuck you I'm moving to another town and not comingback kind of running away. At some point during that time she calledher father, Don, who lived in Ohio and asked him if she could movein. Her Dad had remarried and his new wife had been a single motherof three. She did not want to raise another child. So Kay's fathersaid no. Kay has made her peace with this. I have not.

Thiscrossed my mind the other day and I wondered if Don, who recentlypassed away, had gone to his grave regretting that decision? Sincehe never brought it up I would have to say no. To him it was mostlikely just another decision he was forced to make due tocircumstance beyond his control. What was he to do? Force his newwife to take in a child she did not want? Never having faced thatmonumental of a moment in my life I would say yes and he's a evil manfor not doing it. Anybody got some stones?

Ata truly honest level I don't know that I would be strong enough to dothe right thing. Admitting that I have to think if I've ever causedthat kind of pain. Has there ever been a choice in my life that Ifelt forced in to that was the wrong decision and someone else feltthe consequences even more so than me?

Some Words of Wisdom From Steve Jobs

2011-10-30T08:02:00.001-05:00

WhenSteve Jobs passed away the other day I watched the commencementspeech he gave in 2005. It was good and motivational like acommencement speech should be. One of his main points was:

...forthe past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning andasked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would Iwant to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answerhas been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need tochange something.

Livelife like it's your last day on earth. Really? I love my job now,but on my last day in the world I certainly wouldn't go to work. Does that mean I should change something? How you would live thelast day of your life is a bad metric to judge your life by. Maybeyou could use how you would live the last couple of years of yourlife, but not just the last day.

Ithink Mr. Jobs is right though that we should live the live we want. Life is short. We don't have forever here. We should be doingsomething we enjoy and find worthwhile. Even that though is hard tojudge. For years I didn't really enjoy what I did on a daily basisin Architecture. I was learning the field though and those yearswere instrumental to me being able to do the job I enjoy now. ShouldI have abandoned the field?

Howabout children? There has certainly been several days in a row whereI didn't want to be a parent. Where I didn't want to go from five inthe morning until eleven at night. Should I have bailed on my kids?My previous choices in life have informed the circumstances of mylife. Sometimes life is doing what you have to do.

Inboth my examples there is a sweet spot. I'm in the sweet spot withmy job, and pretty much so with Mackenzie. Years of work dealingwith all the many stages between zero and five have given us aawesome little girl that if today was the last day of my life I wouldcertainly want to hang out with her.

The Unforgettable First Year of Grayson's Life: Part 2

2011-10-09T16:39:00.002-05:00

Iwas unemployed for almost seven months. The first few months I had alot of close calls with employment, but nothing would stick. By Mayof 2011 I had conceded that I was going to be unemployed for a verylong time. Then one random Monday when I was going about my stay athome daddy business I got a call from William Massingill withPolkinghorn Group Architects. They wanted me to come in for twoweeks of contract work. If that went well they would most likelyoffer me a full time position.

Iwas excited and sad all at the same time. I loved being a stay athome dad, but Polkinghorn had the potential to be a dream job for me. I had long ago given up on the idea of finding that mythical job wewere all deluded into believing we would have after college. Everysingle architect in the world is not going to design skyscrapers orfabulous houses for fabulously rich clients. I had come to termswith that fact fairly quickly after starting work. I still liked theprofession though and I was kind of good at it. It was definitelybetter than working at Target or going back to college. So I stuckwith it.

Aftera few years I had really come to like architecture and had found thatI was good at producing construction documents. Being that this ismost of what the actual day to day work in an architecture firm is Iwas pretty happy with my career choice. I wasn't completelysatisfied though. That first firm was not doing much ground up workwhere I could point to something big and say I did that. I wanted tobuild stuff.

SinceI wanted to move to Austin anyway I left my first firm and startedwork for O'Connell Robertson where I met Kay. ORA does ground upwork and some cool stuff at that, but I was so far down the totempole it didn't feel like I was really doing it. Then I fell in lovewith Kay and the dream died. Not in the oh agony your dreams arecrushed kind of way, but the it doesn't really matter kind of way. Ihad found the love of my life and I could go after the really bigdream I've always had. A wife and kids. After our honeymoon I tooka new job with a friend's firm. Again there wasn't much ground upwork, but I had a job that paid well. I generally enjoyed what I wasdoing and the people I was working with and for. I would have stayedthere for the conceivable future if not for the great recession.

SoPolkinghorn is not a dream job in the I love everything about it andeverything is perfect kind of way, but it is the job I wanted when Ileft my first firm. I have been and will continue to be intimatelyinvolved in the process that builds a really cool addition to areally cool building. I'm building stuff. So within the first yearof Grayson's life I went from a struggling firm to stay at home dadto working at my dream job. A year to remember for sure.

The Unforgettable First Year of Grayson's Life: Part 1

2011-09-11T14:25:00.001-05:00

WhenGrayson was two months old and Kay was about to go back to work therewas no way we could afford full time daycare for two. The greatrecession was killing the architecture firm I was working for and theentire staff was only getting half pay. Kay and I had survived upto that point by pulling Kenzie out of daycare sometimes and doingpart time at other times. We had also received many well timedblessings.

Iwas faced with what may have been the toughest decision of my life. In retrospect it was an easy call, but there was so much uncertaintythen. The architecture field was devastated and I thought I wouldnever find a full time job in the field if I l left. I was alsoafraid to put myself out there. I don't have a great portfolio. Ihaven't worked on many big projects. I thought it would be hard toconvince someone I could do anything besides small remodel projects. Besides I knew the firm would recover eventually.

Wehad borrowed some money from my brother and I was planning to usethat to pay for daycare for a couple months. Then the first of themonth came. We were not going to get paid until more money came inand that was a few weeks out. I took a hard look at where the firmwas and decided it would be at least March before they could recoverto full pay. In architecture the Christmas season is always sloweven in good years. We only had enough money to cover daycare forthree months. So shaking and crying I decided to have them lay meoff.

Thenext day I packed up the kids – it was an off day from part timedaycare - and headed in to the office to get laid off. At the time Ijust thought that had to be the strangest day of my life. Kind ofstill do. How surreal is it to tell your employer to lay you off. My bosses were completely understanding and just like that I wasunemployed. Having gotten through the fire I started to feel betterimmediately. Things would be good. Besides I was going to be thething I had wanted to be for at least five years – a stay at homedad.

Beinghome with the kids was completely awesome and exhausting. I can'tsay I loved every minute of it, but now that it's over I loved everyminute of it. I would have liked it to go on for a few more months. I have so many good memories from that time. Like the time me andKenzie sat on the kitchen floor with Grayson beside us in his bouncychair and we snapped green beans for supper. I missed them both verymuch when I went back to work. I'll tell that story in part two.

beingbill2.0

2011-09-03T01:08:00.001-05:00

I've had many starts and stops on this blog, but this was by far the longest time without writing. My last blog was on November 16, 2010. According to timeanddate.com that is nine months and 18 days or:

291 days
25,142,400 seconds
419,040 minutes
6,984 hours
41 weeks (rounded down)

The reason I was not blogging? Grayson James Page. Who incidentally turns one year old today. The first year of Grayson's life has definitely been memorable and not just because of my awesome little boy, but I'll get to that later.

I was so excited when we found out the baby was a boy. Good thing too. We'd mentioned the name Grayson James to Mackenzie and she ran with it. The baby was Grayson James. She always said both names.

I didn't think I would be that excited about having a boy but I was. I walked around saying boy boy boy for at least a week. He entered the world at nine pounds. I think Kay wanted to kill me when she heard his weight. Probably the only thing that saved me was my insistence they do a second epidural. Because of that she had in her words her best labor ever and I was forgiven for the whopper of a little boy that had to come out of her.

Gray has grown fast his first year. They always do. I called him melon for the longest time because his head was enormous compared to his body. At twenty five pounds plus he's grown into the thing now. He's already walking, has six and a half teeth and enough hair for two kids his size. He has a big laugh and laughs all the time. He loves his sister and the dogs. I am just happy and blessed to have such a great boy.

So does this spell a nice steady stream of blogs from this point forward? I have a wife, two kids, a job in architecture, two dogs and I'm about to start studying for the Architectural Registration Exam. Next Year's blog will be titled beingbill3.0.

A Moment in Time

2010-11-16T23:45:00.000-06:00

I don’t know about anyone else but I always have a point in the future fixed in my mind. Not things far off like retirement but something just around the corner - the next thing. It could be big or small. It could be something common like Thanksgiving or personal like a deadline at work.

My most recent point in time came Tuesday morning November 16, 2010 at 9:55 AM. That is the point I had fixed in my mind to call my boss from my first Architecture job out of college. I had called two weeks before looking for work and he had been on vacation. He had gotten back to the office on Monday and I was going to see if he had a position for me.

As the clock ticked ever closer to 9:55 I got everything in place for the call. Grayson was sleeping. The bag was packed for our errands that were going to follow the call. Mackenzie was placed in front of the television and sternly told daddy had to make a very important call.

I made the call. He wasn’t in. The moment passed. My brain reset to the next instant in time. He would be in the Dallas office Friday. I had my next point - Friday November 19, 2010 at 9:55 AM.

I don’t know what the point of this blog is. I just think it is interesting that I think like this and wonder if anyone else does.

A Moment of Cycling Bliss

2010-10-24T17:35:00.000-05:00

Sunday morning I was out about fifteen miles on the bike at the bottom of Cuernavaca which is a decent climb off Bee Cave’s here in Austin. Lush green trees filled my view and the air smelled wet from the small creek I had just rode over. There was no sound other than the Nickel Creek song playing on my ipod and my own breathing. I will remember this scene for the rest of my life. It was a perfect moment. All my scattered thoughts vanished and I was only pedaling. Did I touch the divine? Did the infinite now unfold before me? Did I experience for a brief instant of time what heaven is like? I don’t know, but it was nice.

Jealous of the Jones

2010-09-06T09:27:00.002-05:00

Saying I’m not going to chase the modern American dream of wealth accumulation and conspicuous consumption sounds somewhat analogies to a scrawny pimply faced teenager saying he’s just too busy for a girlfriend. It is the choice I have made though. I just don’t think if Jesus was living my life he would be concerned about his stock portfolio.

That being said I’m still jealous of the Joneses. I coveted that orange and black Dodge Charger I passed the other day. I desperately want an iPhone. If I had the means I would fill my garage with bicycles. My mind rejects these things, but my heart still wants. I am absolutely positive I will fail in this area multiple times in the future - I’m planning on getting an iPhone in January.

Failing to live up to my expectations of what is good is not failure. Life in Christ is not a moral to do list. God’s grace is all I really need. I am already made perfect in my imperfection. I do not need to strive. This is a fine balance thought because obviously I could easily become lazy. But the goal is to live my life as Christ would. So it’s back to the first paragraph. Dizzying isn’t it.

Does the sword enjoy its forging? So it is with your formation in Christ.

2010-08-04T16:34:00.000-05:00

My answer to the immortal question of why we are here is that God is making something out of us. My guess is sentient beings with free will that lives as love just as He does. Why God needs such beings I don’t know.

How do you create a being with freewill that lives as love? My short answer without getting into the freewill problem is the world. If we are paying attention and working with God through the Holy Spirit we will grow slowly toward this type of being. We will become more Christ-like.

It is a painful process. Life is hard and it is hard because through it we are building something beautiful. Without conflict, loss, pain, suffering, injustice and on and on we would not get anywhere. If every ride you took was just easy spinning you would never be able climb a mountain like the Col du Tourmalet. Yea I’m surprised I never made a cycling analogy in one of these blogs before either.

Thank You to All the Prayer Warriors

2010-06-20T21:10:00.000-05:00

When I was eighteen years old I was an atheist. I was also dating a sweet young Christian girl. She told me she prayed that I would find God and she put me on the prayer list at her church. An entire Baptist Church in west Texas prayed for me.

I dated another Baptist a few years later. West Texas is ripe with them you know. She never said she prayed for me, but I’m sure she did.

Did my close friend from college that is a Seventh Day Adventist pray for me? I’m sure my cousins in Indiana prayed for me. Did my best friend from high school who came to the Lord before me pray for me?

My wife married me when I was through atheism and into my Buddhist phase. She prayed for me. Her church – the same one we are members of now - prayed for me. The pastor and his wife prayed for me.

In the face of my indifference and hostility they all kept praying.
Thank you.

Effortless Effort

2010-06-18T13:26:00.000-05:00

The theme of some of my recent blogs has been effort, meeting my goals and focus. In blogs like My Mom Thinks I’m Lazy and A Slob with OCD I’ve talked about how I seem to be distracted easily and not able to stay on task. I set goals and deadlines and they slip through my fingers like water. One response to this could be to try harder. That doesn’t work for me and as a general rule I don’t think it works for most people.

I think deep ingrained patterns like I’m talking about can’t be changed by direct effort. You will succeed for awhile but eventually you will go back to your default setting. You have to change your habits by incremental steps so really you are trying without trying. If you want to be more patient you cannot will yourself to be patient. True fundamental change comes deeper down.

I picked up the idea of trying without trying in my Buddhist phase, but I’ve seen it in other places too. Randy Pausch in The Last Lecture talked about teaching people things they didn’t realize they were learning until well into the process. He called it head fake teaching. I think Christianity addresses this fundamental part of human nature. The ultimate try harder is to follow the Law of Moses, but human perfection is impossible. So God knowing this fact created another way to live life.

As I wrote this blog I decided the line between effortless effort, habit modification and pure effort is rather blurry. It takes pure effort to accomplish things like keeping the house clean; getting the garage organized and becoming an Architect. Pure effort and some habit modification. I think effortless effort applies to something like being a good husband and father. By talking about this I think the line is becoming just a little bit more distinct – at least for me.

Why, What & How

2010-05-27T18:34:00.000-05:00

The future has been on my mind a lot. This may be because I’m about to start testing for my Architecture license, or because my career has stagnated in to a struggle to survive each month. There is a wealth of directions to go from the bottom. It’s a good place to set a course from.

I made a big list of what I wanted to accomplish in life. Learn to play piano and speak Spanish. Own part of an Architectural firm by the time I’m fifty. I stepped back from my list and noticed a glaring omission. Jesus. I didn’t mention Him at all. The spring point of my entire life and I didn’t even give Him a sentence. I can say with almost complete sincerity that the thing I want to accomplish in this life above all else is to become as much like Jesus as I can. How does that factor into my more worldly life goals? Does He inform Why I do things, What I do, How I do things or all three?

"Why"
Why get up in the morning? Why go to work? Why get married? Why learn Spanish? Why become an Architect? Does Jesus answer any of these whys? Certainly at some level He does, but that universal truth sounds hollow to my human ears. Besides why questions don’t move you forward. My counselor from back when I was dealing with depression/anxiety said it was better to ask how. How I got to the point of breakdown has more substance than why I broke down. If I know how I got to the bottom then I can work to circumvent the situation from happening again.

"What"
I struggled most of my life with what I was going to do in life. Is this question even important to God though? According my pastor Jesus wants us to have a relationship with Him. He isn’t concerned with whether were doctors or lawyers, married or single or whatever. I think there are exceptions to this. God will call people to do certain things, but He has not called me as of yet.

"How"
The answer to the question I posed above is Jesus informs How I go about life? When I own an Architectural Firm I do not run a sweat shop. I do not work my employees to death to turn a profit so I can have lots fabulous sports cars? I do not put my desire to be a Cat 3 bike racer above everything else and leave my children to raise themselves. I live my life as close as I can to how Jesus would live it.

My Dream Car?

2010-05-16T14:49:00.003-05:00

Two car seats will not fit in the truck so I’ve been thinking about trading for something else when the baby comes in September. Probably won’t happen right away because of finances. When we do get to it though what car would I want?

Right now it would be a Mini Cooper. Not practical, but we have the Pacifica for that. I figure I could get two car seats in there and zip around town. It’d be cool. Maybe a Jetta or extended cab truck? Of course my eye is drawn to the high end cars as well: Audi, Lexus SUV, and BMW.

One of the smartest things I ever read about finances was in (I think) Rich Dad/ Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki. He said if American’s just changed the way they bought cars they would all be rich. In other words if we didn’t buy too much car and finance it we’d be much better off

Something else I have to consider when making a car choice is my faith in Christ. He calls us to not conform to the pattern of this world. We are to be different. Saint Peter says we are aliens and strangers in the world. I think this should inform all of my decisions in life; from where to live, what to do, to what kind of car to drive.

So Audi it is right?

Between Safety and Adventure I Choose Safety

2010-05-04T00:10:00.000-05:00

Several times in his autobiography Craig Ferguson said, “Between safety and adventure I choose adventure.” Isn’t that a great line? I think nothing could be less descriptive of my life than that.

That may be a little too harsh. After all I could make a fairly strong argument that I’ve lived an adventuresome life. I did college and Europe. I got drunk for the first time in the shadow of the tower in Pisa. I’ve flown all over the country by myself. Took a ten month sabbatical and cycled over 2,000 miles in the upstate New York county where I was born. More than once I rode a hundred miles in a day. Worked swing on fourth stack of Aggie Bonfire. Studied Soto Zen Buddhism, sat Zazen at the Austin Zen Center and done a weekend retreat at the Syracuse Zen Center. I got a tattoo on my 27th birthday. I’ve done stuff.

However, I still contend I choose safety over adventure. Take working stack for instance. I was about four stories in the air sitting on a swing made out of rope tied to the top of center pole and a 2x12. I was cautious about it though. I didn’t do anything risky while I was up there. I remember some random guy asking me if I was scared. He saw me double check each handhold before I moved. I was not scared. I’m not scared of much of anything. I was being cautious - choosing safety.

I’m not contending this is a bad thing, but it does explain my behavior and goes a long way toward predicting my future. When given a choice if you always take the safer of the two options you could have a good life, but it probably won’t be that successful. In life if you do not risk much you will not gain much. This can explain why even though I have brilliant ideas and I’m very good at whatever I put my mind too I am not wildly successful. I don’t know that this is something I need to change about myself. After all success by the world’s standards isn’t really success at all.

A Moment of Choice

2010-04-20T23:06:00.001-05:00

There will come a moment in each of our lives when we must make a choice for God. Our whole life up to that point is training to bring our will into line with God’s will. A life with God equips us so that in that moment of choice we have the ability to make the “right” choice.

I believe sometimes we will know we made the choice and sometimes we will not. Certainly from our perspective knowing the choice is before us would be much preferable, but it probably is of little concern to God. If our will is truly aligned with His will we even notice? It will be just another “right” choice in a series of “right” choices.

- inspired by Genesis 45

God and the 10,000 lbs Gorilla

2010-04-13T08:40:00.002-05:00

I just finished a book called Blink. It is about how a lot of our thinking is below the surface behind the locked door of our subconscious. It was a very interesting read. I highly recommend it.

It reminded me of a bit I did with Kay many years ago before we were married. I don’t remember how we got there, but I believe I was trying to explain that my love for her was a subconscious decision. I said my subconscious was like a 10,000-pound gorilla flinging bananas at me trying to get me to do the right thing, i.e. marry her. My point was that the deep part of my soul was telling me she was the one I, my conscious mind, just had to catch up.

Whether you believe in the spiritual or not you cannot deny that there is more too us than our conscious mind. So what is the subconscious really? Could it be that at the subconscious level we connect with our soul and it is behind that locked door that God talks to us?

A Great Idea That Didn’t Work

2010-03-28T22:55:00.000-05:00

While writing some of my most recent blogs I got a brilliant idea. I would pick a date to start a project. Then give myself a limited but reasonable amount of time to finish. This would allow me to rest between projects thus acknowledging my limited, human, capacity (Infinitely Finite). It also works with the cyclical nature of life (That Old Cyclical Feeling). If I could just tap into my obsessive compulsive tendencies for that brief period of time then I could make some progress (A Slob w/ OCD).

My first project was to complete my IDP for my second job. I gave myself two weeks to do it. The start date came and I was ready to succeed. I worked a couple days and then life got to hectic (24/7 World). Next thing I knew the completion date was past and I wasn’t even close to done. I tried to break for awhile and then picked another start and finish date. Those dates came and went and I was still not done.

It was such a good idea. Why didn’t it work? First, I think it was not accepting my limits. I have a job, a child and a wife. I’m trying to get in cycling shape, learn the piano, and read one book a month. One answer may be to give up something, but I don’t know what. All of that is very important to me. Second, I think it’s the same old thing. I can’t focus for extended periods of time on one thing (My Mom Thinks I’m Lazy).

It saddens me to say I’ll have to throw the idea of a start/finish date out. No matter how good the idea if it doesn’t actually accomplish the goal it has to be discarded. It was a great idea though.

My Autobiography

2010-03-14T21:28:00.000-05:00

I got Craig Ferguson’s autobiography American on Purpose for Christmas. I read it in three days. It was fast, fun and highly entertaining. While reading it I started to think what my own autobiography would be like. I would title mine “Bill Page: A Man without Intention.”
Looking back over my life my choices seem more of a reaction than a goal focused plan. I went to college because I was smart and that’s what smart people do. I had no idea what college entailed or why I needed to go. I chose Architecture because I couldn’t think of anything better to do. I took a job in Architecture and moved to Fort Worth because I was sick of working at Target. It was something to do while I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up.

The first time I can say I did anything on purpose was when I moved to Austin. I had been visiting Marc and Anna every few months there and just loved the City. I still do. Best thing I ever did. After that there wasn’t much intention either.

If I asked my eighteen year old self what I would want to be doing when I was thirty-six I’m pretty sure I’d say married with children and living in a big city. So, this blog leaves me with two questions. Am I any different than most other people, and does it matter. I’m happily married with a wonderful daughter and another baby on the way. It would seem I have gotten where I wanted to go.

That Old Cyclical Feeling

2010-03-03T22:50:00.003-06:00

We are finite beings that cannot thrive in a 24/7 world. No matter how much we would like it to be otherwise it’s just the way it is. This is best illustrated in the fact that we live our lives in cycles. Spring follows winter. Then summer, fall and winter again. The moon waxes from full to nothingness and back again. On a personal level we sleep each night to wake refreshed, hopefully, each morning. Creative ideas are plucked out of the air like apples from a tree one day, and the next we only increase the depth of the divot in the couch.

Anyone that follows my blog will know I am completely at the mercy of these tidal forces. The creative energy flows in and I write. Out and I twitter away my time. I am learning though, if slowly. Rather than fight my inherit nature I am have accepted reality and am studying my patterns. In the hope that I can determine how to sustain the high times a bit longer so my life does not end as a hodgepodge of unfinished projects.

Wish me luck…

Infinitely Finite

2010-02-11T13:39:00.000-06:00

It is astonishes me that almost everyone I know lives a harried out of control existence. I challenge you to find just a handful of people that when asked don’t say their life is crazy. Why?

I believe the main reason is that we do not accept our limits. We are not infinite beings. We are not God. We cannot work forever without stopping. We do not know all things and we never will. Neither can we say yes to every request made of us. We are finite and there is nothing we can do to change that.

This is not what the world sells us though. We are told we can do anything and everything. We can work full time jobs, be slender and fit and keep the house clean with a finely manicured lawn. We can have a career and raise a family all while reading the Oprah book of the month and exploring those ten things that drive our mate crazy in bed. Do more. Be more. Have more.

I do not think the point of life is to do. I think it is just to be and if we spend our finite amount of time each day and in this life always doing there will be no time to be.

What does this look like in real life? For me it means I can’t be a Cat 1 racer while working 50 hours a week and raising Mackenzie. It means I write a blog every other instead of every week. It means I put off that novel until Mack is in college. Or maybe I watch less TV so I can write the novel. I don’t know. I’m still working on it. I just know I cannot do it all and I’m tired of trying.

A Slob with OCD?

2010-01-26T07:04:00.002-06:00

I don’t think I’ve touched on my so called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder before. I say so called because while I joke that I have OCD I don’t think I actually do. I can be extremely obsessive when the mood strikes me though. When the OCD is kicking things have to be done a certain way and in a certain order. As evidenced by the semi-permanent state of disorganized clutter I live in the mood does not strike too often.

I am tempted to say that I want to tap into this apparent OCD more. If I did my house, office, garage, etc would finally be organized. The problem is that with right place comes right order. I can’t say what that order is, but I know when I’m in the middle of one. It takes very conscious effort to short circuit this route I must take. It goes something like this. To wash the dishes I have to collect all the dishes to the right side of the sink. This includes all the random coffee mugs, plates, glasses, coke cans and Topo Chico bottles around the house. While I’m doing the collecting I have to clean the counter tops. Then if the recycling or trash is full I have to take that out. This is why I can be in the kitchen for an hour and it looks like I’ve done barely a handful of dishes. I think this combined with what I talked about in my blog “My Mom Thinks I’m Lazy” explains what drives me fairly well.

I have to respect my limited human nature. I cannot do it all. The level of perfection my so called OCD requires is beyond my capacity to reach. It seems one slip though and soon things are spiraling out of control and I end up with a garage I cannot even walk through let alone park a car in. How do I find balance between doing everything and doing nothing?

Servant of God

2010-01-22T07:44:00.002-06:00

Don’t be fooled by the delusions of this world.
Evidence of God’s favor most likely does not look like what we expect.
We are servants of God. Not vice versa.

Was That Smelly Guy Jesus?

2010-01-17T20:05:00.000-06:00

God as a homeless man is Hollywood cliché. That may have been just what happened last Tuesday though. I’m going to set this up with my favorite joke about God.

As flood waters rise a family climbs out a window onto their roof. They begin to pray to God for rescue. A neighbor comes by in his fishing boat. They wave him on confident that God will save them. The water is running fast now and starts to lap over the eaves of the house. A helicopter flies over ready for them climb aboard, but again they wait on God. A giant wave washes them off the roof and they find themselves face to face with God.

“God,” the family’s father says, “Why did you let us die in the flood?”

“I sent you a boat and a helicopter. What else did you want?”

I was running late and really wanted to catch the very first bus I could. As I was coming up to the bus stop I saw the 101 take off. Traffic had it bogged down so I ran thinking I could make it to the next stop a block north. I was gaining fast, but was about to miss it when a nice guy waved at the driver to wait. I thanked him as I stumbled onto the bus heart pounding. Elated that I had shaved twenty minutes off my commute home I found a seat toward the back of the bus and pulled out the Austin Chronicle I’d picked up earlier in the day.

Half way through Lewis Black’s comprehensive article on the late 60’s band Moby Grape I looked up to discover we were passing my church. The church is not on my bus route home. Not one to panic I figured I just got on the 10 instead of the 101 and since my truck was at the North Lamar Transit Center I would be fine. All busses heading north go to the Transit Center right? No, they do not. This became clear to me shortly.

As the bus ambled north I went from confident I would end up at the Transit Center to thinking I would find myself deep in East Austin. Being that I ran to catch the wrong bus I was feeling shy about asking the bus driver any questions. I was in the middle of an upswing in confidence when a rather large man got on the bus. As he sat down to my left I noticed he was dressed in a suit that had seen better days and he had some of the worst body odor I’ve ever experienced.

A couple people sitting farther back in the bus got off at the next stop. Thinking a few seats distance might make a bit of difference - it didn’t - I jumped up and took an empty seat. While switching seats I put my paper under my arm. Seeing I was no longer reading the paper a man sitting across from me asked if he could have it. While I was looking forward to the other half of Black’s epic article I gave it to him anyway because I’m just too nice to say no. This act broke the ice and I asked him if this bus went to the North Lamar Transit Center. It did not, but I could get off at Rundberg, walk two blocks to Lamar and catch the 1 back to the Transit Center.

Walking toward Lamar I looked back to see the bus heading off toward east Austin. If that smelly man hadn’t gotten on when he did and that guy hadn’t asked for my paper I would have been even farther off track and a very long time from getting home. I’m tempted to write this story off as a little too mundane for the all powerful hand of God, but God is an everyday God. It’s not always about the burning bush.

A New Year A New You

2010-01-04T09:14:00.001-06:00

The last part of 2009 slipped past me pretty quickly. The year was tough on many levels but it was a good year for me too. I averaged a blog every other week. That’s short of my original goal of one a week, but that probably wasn’t a realistic goal. I read eight books. Short of my one a month goal, but a lot better than just two each of the previous two years. Then there was the major victory of getting the truck in the garage. Can’t use the other half of the garage still, but the truck is in there. Looking over my little year in review here it seems I aimed to high, and I am going to try to set more realistic goals. Not to realistic though. You have to push yourself. There can be no growth otherwise.

In the coming weeks I’ll spend a few blogs continuing my thoughts on why I can’t get where I want to go and my inherent nature. Then I’m going to crank up the religiosity for awhile. It is my favorite subject after all.

Victory Is Mine!

2009-11-16T06:25:00.004-06:00

I’m pretty hard on myself in this blog. Which is most likely a symptom of the human condition combined with my own wiring and upbringing. I’m going to take a break from that for a minute and say yea me! In a major personal victory I got the truck in the garage the other day. Another yea me is that I really feel like I’m transforming myself bit by bit. I’m fixing my negatives and getting to know my inner workings. Most of it I write right here in the blog and I hope whoever is reading is enjoying and maybe just maybe getting something out of it.

Flower Girl

2009-11-04T20:10:00.003-06:00

Not the best video but it gives you a taste of how cute she was as flower girl. At the beginning of the video she walks past the aisle. Before she comes down the aisle she stops and puts the flower pedals she threw while she was going the wrong way back in the basket.

My Mom Thinks I’m Lazy

2009-10-26T05:40:00.001-05:00

(Hi Mom, I love you) The other day my Mom said I could work hard and focus when I want to, but otherwise I’m lazy. She’s right the fact is I just don’t get things done. Examples? The garage. The shelves Dad and I built for Mackenzie’s room are still not painted. The kitchen is not organized to my liking. Photo albums of Mack are not made. I could go on and on. Pretty easy to see what Mom said is related to some of my most recent blogs.

From the outside looking in I can see why someone would think that I’m lazy, but I think it is more complicated than that. To start with the definition of lazy from dictionary.com is, “Averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion.” That isn’t me at all. All I do is work. I’m always moving, doing, straightening, cleaning, writing, playing w/ Mack or reading. The only time I rest is when I’m sleeping. I don’t even watch that much TV. I do play on the Internet and Facebook a lot though, but that is still doing something.

Maybe it’s a question of focus not effort. Outside of work I do not stay on task, and you could make an argument that I don’t at work either. I am bouncing around almost constantly. Touching this or that task/project only briefly and moving on to the next before any one is complete. Leaving a million different things half finished, barely started or still in conception in my wake.

The other half of this question is when something has to be done. I am an obsessed terror that cannot let it go for even a moment. I’ll work day and night nonstop. This has become a very rare condition in recent years. The problem is it has to be a real deadline. I can’t fake it. If I know it’s an arbitrary deadline I will work hard but it will not trigger my obsession. So most likely I will not finish on time. I’ll get closer though than if I had not set the deadline. So recently I have been trying this technique to some success. The garage is moving closer to clean. Of course I have a real deadline there as well as some arbitrary internal ones. The truck is coming November 7th.

Got a Little Story for Ya Ags!

2009-10-15T22:48:00.003-05:00

To put the story that follows in context I have to let everyone know I’m Texas A&M Class of ’96 (graduated Christmas ’97 on the 5½ year plan).

The t-sip shirt my daughter is wearing in the pictures below was in a bag of clothes a friend of ours was nice enough to give us for Mackenzie. When Kay came across the shirt I naturally said we should give that one to Goodwill. Kay being a good wife agreed wholeheartedly and put the shirt back in the bad to be discarded in a manner befitting it at some later point in time.

Next morning I’m getting ready for the day when Mack finds the bag of clothes and the shirt. For whatever cosmic twist of fate she takes right to that shirt and wants to wear it to daycare. I dodge that bullet by telling her it’s dirty and we’ll have to wash it first.

Next scene. I’m home probably facebooking on the computer in the bedroom when I hear Kay come home with Mack. Before I can get out to the living room I hear Kay tell Mack that you’ll have to ask Daddy about that. When I come into the living room Mack is holding the shirt and Kay says she wants to wear it. What am I going to do here Aggies? Am I an ass and deny my little girl the simple act of wearing a shirt that she has no real idea what it is. I could be. Yes I could. No, I couldn’t. This girl has me wrapped around her finger like any daddy’s girl worth her salt. So, enjoy my Texas friends. I’m sure it won’t be the last time you see her in this shirt.

Thomas Sowell Quote

2009-10-09T20:53:00.002-05:00

After political crusades for "affordable housing" ended up ruining the housing market and much of the economy with it, many of the same politicians are now carrying on a crusade for "affordable health care." But what you can afford has absolutely nothing to do with the cost of producing anything. Refusing to pay those costs means that you are just not going to continue getting the same quantity and quality-- regardless of what any politician says or how well he says it.

A Fish in the Hand...

2009-10-07T20:22:00.002-05:00

If you give a man a fish he will have food for a day.
If you teach a man to fish he will have food for a lifetime.
If the man catches three fish and you take two why would he keep catching three fish?

We’re Living in a 24/7 World

2009-09-22T09:01:00.001-05:00

I think part of my problem that I’ve been exploring in some recent blogs is that every modern person and I live in a twenty-four hour a day seven days a week world. 24/7 is good for a pancake house, but not so good for a person.

We are ignoring the biblical concept of the Sabbath when we do not stop and take time to rest and restore ourselves. We think that the Sabbath is for God, but the worship of God is not the only purpose. The need for restoration is a fundamental part of our nature. We have to realize and accept this about ourselves.

It seems counterintuitive but I believe if we break one day a week we can do eight days of work in the six we have. The same goes for the day. Work nine hours with a one hour break and most likely you will do what you could in 10 hours straight.
This is not something I’ve proven experientially so I’ve been testing the concept out lately to limited success. Not limited in its results so much as limited in my success at implementing a Sabbath. The results are always very good when I can actually implement it. So I will keep trying to stop my mad mad life and rest (in the Lord).

Answered Prayer Doesn’t Always Look Like What You Expected

2009-09-20T20:41:00.000-05:00

Since becoming a Christian I have always heard that God often answers prayer in a way that is entirely different than you expected. I have never had any experience with this up until last week. Actually I can’t say that God ever answered one of my prayers in a way that I recognized. Mind you it’s not surprising given my hap hazard prayer life.

The last few weeks have been different. I can’t say that my actual voiced prayers were any better [I suppose that doesn’t matter though. It’s not like prayer is some kind of magic system to get what you want], but my heart was really in it. My primary client Motel 6 has been starting to come back to life after a summer of no work, and I really did not want to do it again. I’ve spent the summer working on “real” projects and I’ve come to realize I really like Architecture. I love building sections and details in particular, but plans and elevations are good too.

I was very upset about Motel 6 and I was praying to God for deliverance. As I said not very focused prayer, but my heart was aching for this. In my mind [hope my partners don’t read this one] the only deliverance was finding a new job. A daunting task in this economy, but I thought with God’s help anything is possible. Then last Monday God delivered me without having to change jobs. The vice president in charge of our projects at Motel 6 decided that he wanted the woman that does the permitting for us to be the primary contact with Motel 6. So while I will still be working on Motel 6 it won’t be nearly as consuming as it has been. Thanks be to God!

Permanent Vacation…

2009-09-06T17:33:00.000-05:00

is one of my favorite Aerosmith songs, but I know my vacation from myself will not be permanent. I can already feel it coming to an end. However, I haven’t really dealt with the issues that caused me to want to break from my normal mode of thought. How long can you fight your inherent nature?

I believe people can change. I know I can. It takes clear vision intention and means (hat tip Dallas Willard). Sometimes it takes God intervening. It can be done though.

What is it exactly that needs to change? Is the problem that I don’t accomplish enough? That seems a fairly shallow problem. Is the problem my house, garage, office and car are all messy? In the grand scheme of things is this really a problem? Is the problem I don’t go where I want to go and I’m living a reactionary instead of intentional life? Now that sounds like we’re getting somewhere.

Taking a Vacation from Myself

2009-08-29T08:55:00.001-05:00

I am constantly under pressure. My IDP needs to be done. The garage has to be cleaned up so I can get the truck down here. That novel isn’t going to write itself is it? When’s the last time I blogged? What did that guy say in line? If only I knew Spanish.

I’ve been struggling with this same issue for years and all this internal pressure hasn’t helped one bit. Exhibit A: my office and garage. So I decided a couple weeks ago to stop pressuring myself. So every time I think of something that I just have to do or a project I would love to do I say to myself not right now I’m on vacation.

From the outside it probably looks like nothing changed. I’m still doing what I’ve been always been doing. The garage is no closer to being clean but my job is going well and Mackenzie is well taken care of. The difference is internal though. I feel more at ease and I’m breathing a little easier. It’s been nice.

This too will pass though. Can’t be on vacation forever.

Luke 18:9-14

2009-08-10T14:56:00.002-05:00

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' "But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.' "I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

I like Beer!

2009-08-07T10:26:00.000-05:00

Brian from my office has inspired me and I’ve been trying some new beers lately. I was going to write reviews of each of them, but I find there are only so many things I can say about beer. I either like it or I don’t. So I’m just going to post pictures of all the beers I’ve tried. I also added them to my beer list spreadsheet which has some notes about each beer. So a sort of mini review of each beer.

Enjoy and have a beer!

I Think My Paradigm Just Shifted

2009-08-07T10:23:00.000-05:00

After I wrote “Church of Death” Kay asked me if this changed my opinion about re-marrying. I have always said that I would not marry again if something happened to Kay. I have loved many women in my life, but I have never loved anyone even remotely like I love Kay. I hate that Jerry Maguire line - “You complete me” - but I can see where they are coming from. So while I’ve never believed there is only one person for each of us I never really saw a need to marry again since I’m so fulfilled with this relationship. However, taking into consideration what God showed me I have to leave room for the possibility of remarrying. Don’t want that to happen. I’m praying we both hang out in this plane of existence for another good sixty years though.

Full Moon upon the Water: My Tattoo

2009-07-29T13:28:00.005-05:00

I got the idea for my tattoo from The Tao of the Jump Shot by John Fitzsimmons Mahony and Bill Walton. Their chapter The Moon in the Water had an image of the Chinese characters for moon and water. I had always wanted to get a tattoo and had been looking for something to go on both sides of my ankle. It was perfect and the meaning was good too. The chapter focused on being in a state of readiness in life and while playing basketball. When the moon appears in the sky the water reflects it instantly just as it is. Over time I felt the meaning was to see life as it is not how you want it to be.

After I got the tattoo I found the following poem.

Each night, I gaze upon a pond,
A Zen body sitting beside a moon.
Nothing is really there, and yet
It is all so clear and bright.
I cannot describe it.
If you would know the empty mind,
Your own mind must be as clear and bright
As this full moon upon the water.

--Chiao Jan

It kind of says the same thing, but has more depth to it in a very Buddhist kind of way.

I was twenty-seven when I got my tattoo. At thirty-two I became a Christian. Even though I had changed my entire philosophy on life I never regretted (and still do not) having my tattoo. It serves as a reminder to me and an illustration to others of where I came from and how I got to where I am with Jesus. It has opened many doors to have conversations about God with people.

While reading the poem above the other day I realized it has a similar feel to my favorite verse in the bible.

Be still, and know that I am God.
--Psalm 46:10

I believe all truth is God’s truth. That does not mean that there can be no truth outside of Christianity. I bow to your Buddha nature my fellow travelers. May God bless you and keep you.

The Church of Death

2009-07-28T08:55:00.000-05:00

I attend Red River Church on 45th and Red River in Austin, TX. We have four elders Keith Atkinson, Wayne Brown, Jeff Bennighof and Wes Birdwell. Keith is the only one of the four that leads the church for a living. So in a way he is the leader of the church and the pastor.

When I met him he was married to a wonderful lady named Renee. Renee was literally a force for God. To our great loss she died from cancer a little over a year ago.

Keith has since found another wonderful lady named Melinda and is set to marry her on October 3rd. Too early? No, and let me tell you why.

This morning while meeting with Keith for our bible study I had a vision of what it would be like at our church if Keith did not re-marry. We would become the Church of Death. I saw a big black disgusting thing hanging over our church keeping us from being about life as God intend. God is of life not of death. So thanks be to Jesus that He has done this good work in Keith’s life and prepared him to marry a truly beautiful creation of God and bring life to our church.

Chipped Mug

2009-07-03T14:52:00.003-05:00

There is a set of white porcelain coffee mugs at the office. I like to use the chipped one. I think it has more character than the rest.

The Eternal Being Within

2009-06-02T06:03:00.000-05:00

I think my conclusion to my last blog “My New Theory on Aging” is just one more reason not to focus too much on the body. It is good to keep it up, but too much time spent on the body at the expense of the soul is wasted. The body will fail. It will turn to dust. The soul will live on forever. It is best to spend this life pointing it in a good direction.

There is a parallel here to my theory on children. In my opinion the first two years of a child’s life are the most critical. The things she experiences then are what form her into the person she will be. If a child did not start in the right direction in the first two years of life it will be difficult to almost impossible to turn her to the right direction. I believe this is the same with the soul. This life is the primary thing that forms our spirits. If we get through this life heading in the wrong direction we will continue that way possibility forever. So take this life seriously. We only have one chance to set our course.

Trader Joe's Bohemian Lager

2009-05-30T07:20:00.003-05:00

This beer really wasn’t anything to write home about. Poured well, but it was lighter than I expected. Being called Bohemian I should have known it would be a pilsner. One of the best beers I ever had was a white beer I had when I was in Munich. Of course I didn’t know up from down when it came to beer so who knows if it was good. I imagine it was though since a German made us have it. Alas TJ’s Bohemian was not that good.

My New Theory on Aging

2009-05-26T06:03:00.002-05:00

While at a nursing home in Cincinnati, Ohio I developed a new theory. As we age the work we have done on our spirit becomes more visible. If we have spent this life focused on what is eternal in us we will grow in peace, love and joy. If we have not nurtured our souls we will grow in anger, hatred, and bitterness.

In both nursing homes I have frequented I have seen a great deal of anger in the residents. There are of course multiple reasons besides my theory that could explain this; loss of control over your own life, feeling deserted and alone, physical factors such Alzheimer’s, a life filled with never met expectation.

As with everything in life the truth here is most likely a warm fuzzy shade of grey. I think the spirit is a large factor though and should be considered as we travel through life. A well formed spirit would definitely help us in tough times and as we draw closer to the end of our lives. Have you exercised your soul today?

How Instead of Why

2009-05-25T08:27:00.001-05:00

My counselor always said that when looking at yourself it is better to ask how than why. Why is an unanswerable question. It also has no meaning. Who cares why you behave a certain way. What do you do that keeps leading you down the same path year after year?

When thinking about the subjects covered in my last blog “Begin Again” the question is not why I fail to meet my goals. The question is how I keep missing my goals. Or even better how do I reach my goals. How will lead you to solutions and positive change. Why will just lead you to self abuse and depression.

Why should be left to philosophizing about the nature of existence over a cold beer with good friends.

Begin Again

2009-05-19T06:03:00.002-05:00

Life is a series of restarts. The most famous is of course the New Year. Each year we make resolutions to change this or that about ourselves. Set deadlines and goals for the year. I want to lose ten pounds by my birthday. I want to read a book a month. I want to whatever. This lasts maybe a month or two, three at most. Then we look up and we’ve gained a pound, and read one book. So we begin again. I don’t understand why we do this, but it is definitely part of human nature.

We expect continuous effort from ourselves, but we are not programmed that way. Life is cyclical. The sun rises and sets. Seasons pass in the same order each year. We are not separate from this. We would be better off if we accepted our nature and worked with it instead of against it. For myself I think that the shorter my restart cycles the better. That is the closest I can get to a continuous effort.

I am using the vacation we just finished as a restart point. I had time in the car to collect my thoughts. The first five months of 2009 unfolded pretty much like it always does for me. I got distracted by the immediate tasks at hand and missed my goal. Then I moved the goal to later in the year. I know how to break this trend, but it will take focus, effort and I have to remember that each morning is a chance to start again.

The Familiar

2009-05-16T17:29:00.000-05:00

The not so deep dark secret of why Generica works is that we (or at least most) love the familiar. Even I who embraces the different and eclectic find the familiar very comforting. I walked into a Starbucks on the corner of Sawmill and Powell in Columbus, OH last week on our vacation and instantly felt at home. I was completely at ease. I was surrounded by a bunch of Midwesterners ordering their double tall soy lattes with indie music playing in the background. A tall young man with a goatee greeted me with a how ya doin. I responded with a predictable still asleep need my coffee joke and the dance was complete. Does the fact that I find comfort in this environment make me somehow less human or more?

What Did We Learn On the Show Tonight Bill?

2009-05-01T16:19:00.005-05:00

We learned that I –like most people- think I can do more in a given time than is actually possible. This was not a complete shock since the whole point of my blog on Wednesday was that I try to do too much. While I wrote the list I was never planning to do all that. I was going to try to stay focused on the garage and my IDP documentation. I was somewhat shocked on how little I did get accomplished though.

I made a good initial stab at the garage. I built two work benches. One bench is so Kay won’t have to bend over to feed the dogs, and the other is to work on bikes. This involved a substantial amount of cleaning/moving around just to get to the area I wanted to build the benches at. However, there is not any significant change in the amount of crap in the garage. It looks like I didn’t do much of anything in three days. I’ll give myself a C+ though.

I finished both 1998 and 1999 on my IDP. I was hoping to get through both CMA and O’Connell Robertson in the three days, but that would be the start of 2003. Not quite there.

If I’m honest with myself I have to admit I never thought I could finish both the IDP documentation and the garage clean up in three days. I was hoping to get a little farther, but the main point of my mini-vacation was to get started on both. So while I didn’t do all I had hoped for I’m off to a good start.

I graded myself just for funsies.
Clean the garage (C+)
Document all of my IDP (C-)
Install the second toilet (C) - I picked up a replacement for the one I cracked.
Mow the yard (F) – Not terrible since I was always planning to do this Saturday morning.
Finish Kay’s plant protection screen (F)
Vacuum the house (F)
Clean off the back porch (F)
Clean the kitchen (B+)
Clean up the dog poop (F)
Smoke a cigar each day (F)
Give the dogs a bath (F)
Write blogs(A-)
Go to a coffee shop (F)
Read the Bible (C) – Read the Bible once in three days
Pray (C) – Sat down and prayed once in three days
Bible Study (F)
Clean the big closet out so I can put the file cabinets in the garage in there (F)
Catch up on laundry (A)
Take a bike ride (F)
Run at Walnut Creek (F)

Is that a Spade?

2009-04-30T08:34:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I called someone out for being a professing Christian but not having Christ in his heart. I didn’t say this to the actual person. I’m not so solid in my faith that I feel I have the right to correct people yet. At four years a Christian I feel I am still learning and developing my relationship with Jesus. I am a child in Christ. It’s not my place to correct people that have been Christian’s for twenty years. The other probably more dominant reason is that I don’t know that I have the guts to do that (yet).

This issue came up in conversation with someone else. The reason I said that this person did not have Christ in his heart is because he has not forgiven - and according to the person I was talking to never will – someone for a incident that happened well over a year ago. If I’m sure of anything about Christianity it is that grace and forgiveness flow freely from Jesus. He calls us to forgive everyone for everything. Some may say that the person who is in the wrong has to ask for forgiveness first, but I think that is wrong. Jesus is actively seeking us. He wants nothing more than to forgive us. There is a big difference between Jesus forgiving us when we accept Him and a human being holding onto their resentment while they wait for someone to right a real or supposed wrong.

I felt somewhat bad for calling this person out. As noted above I’m a very young Christian. What do I know? Sometimes I think you have to call a spade a spade though.

Correction

2009-04-29T23:00:00.006-05:00

Apparently I don't know my own truck. She's a 1970 Dodge not a 1974. I thought my parents bought it two days before I was born, but that was the blue Charger my Mom drove when we were kids. That's right my Mom is so cool she drove a Charger while raising three boys.

Just too much

2009-04-29T08:59:00.001-05:00

I have the next three days off. I’m taking a mini-vacation while my client is on vacation. I need some time to work on cleaning my garage and documenting my IDP hours. The garage because I want to get my Dad’s 1974 Dodge truck down here before he decides I’m never going to get it and takes it to the scrap yard (btw I don’t think he ever will, but just in case). I need to work on my IDP because apparently there is a July 1 deadline to document your hours or you lose them all. There may be some exceptions to that, but it’s about time I did it anyway.

Thinking about this time off I’ve had all kinds of thoughts of other stuff I’d like to do. I am starting to appreciate life’s limits though and at least realize I always try to do too much. I just can’t help it though. So while I watch last night’s Craig Ferguson I’m going to write a list of all of the things I’d like to do while I’m off.

Clean the garage
Document all of my IDP
Install the second toilet
Mow the yard
Finish Kay’s plant protection screen
Vacuum the house
Clean off the back porch
Clean the kitchen
Clean up the dog poop
Smoke a cigar each day
Give the dogs a bath
Write blogs
Go to a coffee shop
Read the Bible
Pray
Bible Study
Clean the big closet out so I can put the file cabinets in the garage in there
Catch up on laundry
Take a bike ride
Run at Walnut Creek

Does anyone else think like this? I hope everybody doesn’t. It kinda sucks. It’s not even remotely realistic to think I could get all of that done in the next three days. I’ll post this weekend about what actually got done.

She Speaks!

2009-04-16T23:59:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgpTTpQ4QD4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoDp8ZgCHdY

Easter Pics

2009-04-13T06:30:00.004-05:00

Finding Balance

2009-04-12T08:59:00.000-05:00

Why is it so hard to find balance in life? What is it about the human condition that makes us go to extremes in one area and then ignore another almost completely? For example the classic struggle of working too much and ignoring your family’s needs. That is certainly one of my struggles.

Is it that we try to do too much? Is the equation more complicated than twenty-four hours minus sleep minus family minus work? Do we try to add more things? For myself I try to add cycling, writing this blog, Facebook, reading, television, church, friends. Don’t forget about house work, yard work and our budget.

We do not accept the limits that life and God have put on us. We think we are supermen and women. We are not. We can only do so much in the twenty-four hours of each day. Contrary to popular belief we can’t really multitask either. In any specific moment you can only do one thing. We can change between tasks rapidly, and I am a master of this. Fundamentally though I am only doing one thing at a time.

I don’t like it, but I think the answer to finding balance is cut. Cut everything that isn’t really important. Figure out what matters and focus on that. Also, don’t try to do too much in those areas. For example, cycling and being in shape is important to me. Is it important that I race though? Not really. I’m raising a child and have a demanding job. Now is not the time to spend twenty plus hours on the bike. I can ride and be in decent shape though.

My answer - accept our limits.

Why I’d Rather Drive Our Beat-up Pickup than a Jaguar

2009-03-15T07:40:00.002-05:00

Let me start by saying that if I had more money I’d probably have a nicer car. I’m not so disconnected from the American state of mind that I can say that kind of thing is beneath me. I probably wouldn’t get a Jaguar, but definitely something like an Audi or Mercedes.

That being said, I really like driving our ’97 red Ford pickup.

I saw a Jaguar parked at the very end of the HEB parking lot the other day. Probably five spaces surrounding it were empty. Obviously the driver had parked that far away to protect the car. By driving the truck I avoid this completely. I don’t have to worry about someone dinging the old truck. It’s already beat to hell. Both sides have heavy damage from where Kay ran it into the concrete barrier in her parking garage. Then I made it worse by grinding it on a tree in front of Mackenzie’s daycare. It’s just a means of transportation. It’s not a precious thing that I have to baby.

All that and for some reason I like the image of myself (the business professional) getting out of a beat up red Ford. It’s just cool to me. Especially when I’m in a shirt and tie.

My Path to God

2009-03-01T23:27:00.002-06:00

I've been away for awhile because I've been addicted to facebook. If you’re not on it you should check it out. It’s pretty awesome. Anyway, while talking to a friend of mine from when I was seven or so I wrote the following. Thought I would post it here because it is related to my typical blog topic. I gave short service to a few things toward the end - namely Kay’s contribution to my conversion, but the email was getting pretty long. bp!

As is often the case when dealing with God my path was long and winding. I started with the modern paradigm of secular humanism tinged with agnosticism and atheism. From there I turned east to Taoism and Zen Buddhism. And finally found God in charismatic Christianity.

When I was eighteen and heading off to college at A&M I was a devout atheist. I’m sure this had more to do with not being filled with the gospel in my youth than any conscious thought on my part. The secularist spirit of the day filled the spiritual vacuum formed during my upbringing. I’d say my belief at this point was that God was invented by man to explain things we could not understand thousands of years ago.

Even though I was an atheist I was still intrigued by the question posed by religion. So while in college I went to an atheist/Christian debate. Attended lectures on Islam - I knew more about Islam when 9/11 happened than your average citizen. Hung out with a Seventh Day Adventist and talked about the afterlife with a friend that was a Mormon.

My beliefs started to change when I was in Europe for a semester. There is a deep sense of the Spiritual you can feel in some parts of that land, and there was something magical about the gothic churches we toured. I had an epiphany while I was walking around Castiglion Fiorentino - the city we lived in. I was thinking about playing basketball with Marc Jenkins. I would post up on him. Then without looking toward the basket I would turn and fade. I could hit that shot most times back then and for me there was something divine in that moment. I felt I was tapping into something beyond myself.

Even though I now believed in the divine I didn’t go straight to Christianity. I ran the opposite direction actually. Mostly eastern thought I picked up from my brother Steve - Taoism and Zen Buddhism. I read Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind and was struck by how much wisdom Shunryu Suzuki had. So I was always looking for a place to practice Zen. It is one of the reason’s I moved to Austin. There is a very well established Zen group here that has a teacher directly in Suzuki’s line. So I practiced Zen off and on for a few years, and was still doing it while dating and marrying my wife.

In that same period of time I read the Bible from cover to cover with the Victory Reading Plan. I felt that I couldn’t say something was wrong that I had never read. So I was far from my atheist beginnings by this point, but not really ready to become a follower of Jesus. Then like most people I found Jesus at the end of my rope. I had a nervous breakdown six months after marrying my wife and starting a new job. I didn’t accept Jesus right then and there, but when I was in my darkest hour I called out to Him. Then over the next three to four month I slowly came to believe in Him and started to build my life on the rock.

Parenting

2009-02-14T21:57:00.003-06:00

Our charge as parents is to raise a child
not make a friend.

Politicians Are Like Bad Parents

2009-02-09T06:11:00.001-06:00

I’ve decided that politicians are like bad parents. They give “us” everything we want, and try there hardest to keep us from feeling any pain. They don’t want us to fail either. They are the ultimate helicopter parent. Always hovering around us making sure we are okay. When sometimes failure is what we need so we can learn. Just like a child in this situation we the American people are becoming spoiled and dependent. We can’t function in the world as adults. I do not exclude myself from this situation. In days gone by I would probably be in debtors’ jail for the amount of debt I’ve shelled off into the ether. What do we do with this? I don’t know, but I feel like it’s about to get worse.

Life is Hard

2009-01-27T06:02:00.001-06:00

One of my favorite movie quotes of all time is from the Princess Bride. Wesley (still disguised as the Dread Pirate Roberts) says, “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” I usually change pain to hard, but the assessment is the same. It’s such a true statement that it has stuck with me for years.

I think the one truth in life no one can really argue with is that everyone has problems. Some are basic. Where is my next meal coming from? Some are more complicated. I have every worldly possession my heart desires, but I’m in a loveless marriage because I spent too much time working to get all those worldly possessions. Christian’s are not immune to these worldly problems either. Though some people (not necessarily Christians) think we should be. Jesus was very clear that it would be hard to follow him. See Luke 14:25-33 and Matthew 10:16-39. He was not selling something. He was speaking the truth.

This is all set up for two observations.

First, a lot of my prayer life is about deliverance. Fix this situation for me Lord. Save me. Lift this burden. Is that what God really wants to do though? Is that the point of life? I believe God is forming us into the image of His son through our experience in this life. Is it really beneficial for our problems to be resolved from on high? That being said the point is to rely on God. There is a balance here that I don’t know that I’ve achieved.

Second, in church last weekend while preaching Keith said, “We should be encouraged because God is with us.” This phrase really stood out to me. God is with us. Right here living our lives with us. If you’ll notice there is nothing in there about making things easier on us. Just that it will be okay because He is with us.

Life is hard then you die. Death is but a door. Let us walk through and meet our Lord on the other side.

My Girls

2009-01-24T14:05:00.002-06:00

Random Question...

2009-01-15T20:55:00.000-06:00

If I have a close personnel relationship with a being that knows all things do I by default know all things?

Workaholic

2009-01-13T06:02:00.000-06:00

All I do is work. I sat down the other morning with Mackenzie to color and I thought, “Ooooh I can write a list of things I need to do at work. “ Sick. I decided to write this instead. So, the first draft of this blog was done in crayon.

Am I a workaholic? I certainly don’t feel like I am. I do enjoy working, but it’s not like I wouldn’t rather be doing something else. Slow walk in the park with Mack. Have a cup of coffee with Kay. Nice long bike ride. That’s just not the way I’m wired though. If I’ve got something that needs to be done I want to be doing it. I see this in my father a lot. It’s a general kind of restlessness when there are things (work) to be done.

This feeling goes away when I achieve what I call balance. That is a balance between having enough done to avoid being “yelled” at and actually being caught up completely. Balance is a state of being neither behind nor ahead. What I’m talking about isn’t a math formula. It’s not a list. I can mark any number of things off my to-do list and still not be balanced. The only way I can describe it is as an extremely complicated calculation that runs subconsciously in my head. It’s hard to predict when I will achieve balance. Mostly I just work straight through until it happens. If I do stop working I’m restless as I mentioned above.

The formula has become even more complicated lately as I’ve started to manage even more projects and people. Motel 6 has expanded from ADA work to include Technical Services remodels, and new construction. At any given time I will have five to ten people working for me and they will each be working on two to three projects at the same time. By the end of last week my brain was done and I literally ran out of the office on Friday. I thought if I can just get to the weekend I can reorganize and be ready to start again on Monday.

Is there a point to this blog? Not really. From the above I can draw one conclusion though. I was built to be a manager. I know that one of God’s purposes for making me the way I am was to manage and direct people. When I accepted this several months ago I got the distinct impression God was saying I would someday manage managers. I tried of my own efforts to achieve this prophecy, but only after I had given up and let life run its course did it get fulfilled. There’s a lesson there. I just hope I’ve learned it.

Psalm 1:3

2009-01-06T21:30:00.001-06:00

Speaking of a righteous man Psalm 1:3 says,

“He is like a tree planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season...”

These days we all want instant results and I am probably the king of that. We allow no time for process. This Psalm shows that is not the way the world works. It says yields fruit in its season not right after you plant it.

I see someone that wanted an apple planting a sapling hastily and expecting it to bear fruit right then and there. Ridiculous right? I’ll bet that most of us live that way though.

Don’t be so negative!

2008-12-31T13:52:00.001-06:00

I believe most people define Christianity negatively. By that I mean they define religion by what they have to give up. No drinking, no cursing, no fun. I don’t think that is the way Christ looks at it though. I believe the gospel clearly shows that if you are filled with the Holy Spirit you will naturally move toward more Godly behavior. It’s a positive not a negative. For example in Galatians 5:16 Paul says,”But I say to you, walk in the Spirit and you will deny the desires of the flesh.” The order of that sentence is very important. He did not say deny worldly things and you will be filled with the Spirit. He said walk in the Spirit first. Be filled with the Spirit and what is important to the world will not be important to you.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! Yea 2009!

Where did she get those curls from?

2008-12-14T12:46:00.009-06:00

Me!

Larry Update

2008-12-05T11:44:00.001-06:00

I realized the other day that I was remiss in letting my vast blog audience know how my brother Larry is doing. He was at my house for Thanksgiving and I’m happy to report he is doing really well. The highlight of his visit was sitting in my backyard under my Christmas lights and smoking a couple of cigars he bought us. It was good to see him up and about.

Given the extent of his injuries it is remarkable that he is already by and large self sufficient. The next step will be to get him back to work. I think that will be well after New Year’s due to the physical nature of his work. Thankfully he has an awesome job and is getting full pay while he is recovering.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

Odd Things I Saw Today

2008-12-04T17:32:00.001-06:00

A man washing a pear in the bathroom sink at my office.

The Sleeping Giant

2008-12-02T22:24:00.001-06:00

"I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve."
- Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamo

The giant sleeps
The alarm blares
The giant rolls over
and goes back to sleep

- bill

Breathe

2008-11-25T19:33:00.001-06:00

Stand before your fear and breathe God into that still quiet moment

Gravity

2008-11-11T15:49:00.003-06:00

By being a Christian am I damning all unbelievers to hell? Let’s say we are on the very highest story of the Shanghai World Financial Center (the highest space able to be occupied in the world). For some strange reason you have no concept of gravity. You decide to break out a window and walk outside. If you do it after I explain gravity to you is it my fault you fall?

I am blessed

2008-11-09T16:00:00.002-06:00

The other day I took Mack to a park - Wooten - very close to our neighborhood attached to a school. There were groups of parents sitting at several picnic tables watching kids run around on a playscape. Are area of town has a very large Mexican population. The first thing I noticed when we walked on the playground was we were the only white folk. Everyone sitting watching the kids was obviously Mexican. As we played and wandered around I noticed something else. I was the only man. All of the husband/father’s were at work. They have to work all day. They probably see their kids for a couple hours before they go to bed.

Sometimes I get frustrated with my life. I have practically no time for myself between working and watching Mack. Sometimes I forget how blessed I am to be spending those couple hours in the afternoon with my daughter.

Beer Beer Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink!

2008-11-07T19:52:00.001-06:00

I’ve added several beers to my list while I was been away from blogging. Thought I’d give a quick synopsis just to bring things up to present.

Over a couple weeks I tried Live Oak Big Bark Amber, Samuel Adam’s Boston Lager, and Trader Joe’s Vienna Style Lager. All three are Vienna Style Lagers. The taste reminded me of Fort Worth and my original attempt at 200 beers. It’s hard for me to distinguish between them but they all get a great rating. Good beer.

What can I say about Shiner Bock? I’m sure all totaled I have drunk in excess of 200 different beers in my life. When confronted with a choice between Shiner and any one of them most times I will go with Shiner. It is just a really good beer.

As it is getting cooler here in Austin – sort of – I’ve turned to darker thicker beers. I had two of the best, Murphy’s Irish Red and Young’s Oatmeal Stout. All reds, including Murphy’s, have a bit of a bite. I certainly wouldn’t suggest it for someone that is not really into the taste of beer. I like that bite though. I rated it good. Young’s Oatmeal Stout is like Guinness but better in my opinion. I gave it a great.

The next time I was at the Saucer I tried Boulevard Lunar Ale. It’s a wheat beer and I was looking for something like the oatmeal stout above. It was not good. I actually rated it bad - which is rare for me. Wheat beer is kind of particular so I’ll probably give it another chance later. In case I just wasn’t in the mood for wheat beer.

Happy Drinking!

3 Bible Bill

2008-10-29T23:33:00.001-05:00

If you go to biblegateway.com you will see that there is just a ton of different translations of the bible. While reading Sacred Parenting I found a reference to Micah 6:8. The author was focused on the phrase “love grace” in that passage. My main Bible, English Standard Version, says “love kindness.”

Whenever I run into this or I’m having a hard time understanding something in the Bible I’ll pick up the Message. It’s a modern “translation” of the bible by a pastor named Eugene Peterson. I put quotes around translation because Peterson tries more to get the message across than an actual word for word translation. The Message says,” be compassionate and loyal in your love.”

Feeling befuddled I went to the King James Version. The old red bible Steve gave me. Obviously it was the translation the author of Sacred Parenting was reading.

This blog started out as just a funny post about the fact that I’m carrying three bibles around with me now. When I was with Larry last week I had them all with me. I’m often sitting up in bed as Kay and I are going to sleep referring to all three of them. I just find it really funny that I was an atheist Buddhist and now I have three bibles stacked beside my bed.

As I write this though I feel a non-Christian will be asking why there are so many differences between translations. During my devout atheist days I was all about the apparent mistakes in the Bible. God creates light on the first day and the sun on the third day. How does that work? All I can say is that when I read the Bible through I found its message amazingly consistent. CS Lewis viewed the Bible as a blueprint for humanities relationship with God. A blueprint is a representation of a building. It is not the building. As an Architect I can tell you that the best set of drawings will never be a perfect representation of a building.

I invite everyone to read the Bible through. I’d suggest the Victory Reading Plan and the NIV or English Standard versions of the Bible. If you do not believe after that at least you can say you read the thing. That’s why I did it.

My Little Picasso

2008-10-26T22:08:00.003-05:00

Larry Update

2008-10-23T23:12:00.000-05:00

My Mom came to stay with Larry Wednesday night, and I came back to Austin. I talked to her today and Larry is doing well. He's off the morphine drip and switching to pain pills. He was able to sit on the edge of the bed briefly. Still has a chest tube draining blood off. So, we have no thoughts on when he will be able to go home.

I missed two fractures in my recount of injuries yesterday - sternum and elbow. Although today Mom said they might have mistaken an old surgery on his elbow for a new injury. So, hopefully nothing is wrong with the elbow.

Before I left Dallas yesterday we got the police report. A pick-up truck turned in front of him on a two lane road. The driver was cited for failure to yield. So, his insurance should cover everything. This is very good news since Larry only has liability on the bike.

Please keep praying for us as I believe some tough times are ahead. Larry is not one to sit still and this recovery is going to be hard on him...

Larry

2008-10-22T11:21:00.000-05:00

As I write this I’m sitting next to a hospital bed where my bother Larry is sleeping. He wrecked his motorcycle on Monday. He doesn’t remember what happened at all. The last thing he remembers is coming up on a semi-truck that was moving kind of slow. Next thing he’s being put on a helicopter to be flown here.

He has a few broken ribs, a broken collar bone, two fractured/crushed vertebrae, and a fractured shoulder blade. Please pray from him. While surgery will not be required I believe it is going to be a tough haul to full recovery.

Survey Says!

2008-10-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

I’m working on a blog titled Abundant Misconceptions. It focuses on how my pre-Christian perceptions of Christianity were almost completely wrong. There is a depth to Christianity that I never understood. This all became very clear to me when I actually read the Bible through and immersed myself in Jesus’ teaching. I tell you our brainwashing program really works. Just kidding.

It’s been so long since I changed my perceptions I’m afraid I’m missing some. I’m asking for perceptions of Christianity. Right or wrong. Just what does everyone perceive? Mostly looking for negatives that I can use for my blog, but all comments are welcome. Please post here or email me. Thanks, bp!

Dustin Off the Old Blog

2008-10-19T17:22:00.001-05:00

I believe life is cyclical. I’m not saying I believe in reincarnation or anything. I will take this opportunity to quote my favorite Ray Wylie Hubbard line though, “It’s not any stranger to be born twice than it is to be born once.”

What I’m talking about is more like the seasons of the year. During the Winter things hibernate. Spring is the season of birth and growth. Summer is the time for exploration and movement. As Fall progresses things return to stillness. I think some, if not all, humans are tied to this cycle. Some are even deeply affected on a daily basis by a cycle. Some people are very productive in the morning and useless as evening approaches. I probably haven’t done a good job of getting what I’m saying across, but if the thought interests you I’d recommend listening to this little sermon/ lecture.
http://www.plumblineministries.com/three_kinds_of_time

All this is too explain my large periods of dead air on the blog. My life is very cyclical. I’ll get a burst of energy and move in every direction and do a thousand things. Then there will be nothing. So far in my life there has been far more nothing than productivity. When the pulse comes it is briefly sustained at best. As I study myself I hope to recognize these periods of time and draw on them more effectively.

Am I in one of those periods of time now? I don’t know. I wrote the first part of this a week ago and I can feel the energy waning already. So there may not be a glut of blogs coming, but maybe there will be. Stay tuned to find out…

Rock of the Lord

2008-10-13T14:03:00.001-05:00

I have set my foundation on the solid rock of God
Dug the footings down to stone
Let the tempest come
I stand with the Lord at my side
Strong and courageous
Knowing my salvation rests in Him

Surrender to His will

2008-09-30T07:44:00.001-05:00

"I declare the season of plenty is over," says the Lord.
Bow down before the Lord,
and know He is God.
Only He can lead you through the forest of darkness.

bailout?

2008-09-26T07:55:00.000-05:00

"The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

- Herbert Spencer

Inspiration

2008-09-12T14:57:00.000-05:00

Inspiration is like a flash in the pan. To actually accomplish something you must put your roots into it like a tree digging deep for water.

The Pinnacle of Our Vacuous Culture

2008-08-26T17:59:00.002-05:00

Kay sent me the following article today.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/08/26/o.divorce.dreams/index.html

The picture Ellen Tien paints is one of wretched meaninglessness. As I am about to post this to my blog I ask myself why? Why pass this along? Why spread something I would categorize as evil around? Why expose my friends to this mental dribble? Certainly one of my reasons is to illustrate just how far we have fallen into selfish decadence. That isn’t reason enough though. As a Christian I should present an opposing picture.

That picture is one of ever increasing joy. I can honestly say that each day my life is filled with more joy than the last. Is it the paxil talking? Is the fact that I have finally achieved the life I always dreamed of? Married to a wonderful woman with an awesome little girl? I certainly cannot deny either of those factors, but there is more to it than that. Every day I am trying to bring my will more into line with God’s will. I can feel myself putting off the old me that railed against my circumstances and dreamed of some far off better days. I can feel God’s peace.

Is this easy for me to say? Am I at some kind of plateau of peacefulness in my life? Not really. I have more work, and more stress at the office than during either of my breakdowns. I had to borrow money from my brother so we wouldn’t bounce checks this month. We’re about to try to have another child which of course brings up all kinds of stressful questions. Can we get pregnant? Can we afford it? Will Kay’s back hold out long enough? Through all of this I’m keeping my humor and I feel so good. Again is it the paxil or circumstances? Perhaps, but I tell you this - I believe I have a peace within me that goes well beyond anything a drug could provide and it is not dependent on circumstance.

Ms. Tien my prayers will be with you for some time to come.

Evolution

2008-08-24T22:33:00.002-05:00

There is much debate regarding creationism and evolution these days. There are think tanks dedicated to the study of each. Ben Stein recently came out with a pro-creationism movie. Several states have introduced laws to teach creationism in public school science classes. It is one of the biggest sticking points between non-believers and believers. Keith and I were actually discussing it the other morning. He made some good points and it clarified my position on evolution.

This is a delicate matter. If I say I don’t believe in evolution then the non-believers that read my blog will write me off as non thinking idiot. If I say I believe in evolution then the Christians that read my blog might write me off because I have belittled the power of God. However, I feel it is an important topic that I need to weigh in on. So now I will let you all know my opinion on evolution.

Don’t care.

That’s right I just don’t think the answer to this question matters. It’s an interesting topic to discuss and debate, but ultimately it doesn’t matter. The only question in life that really matters is if there is a God. That single question drives your whole philosophy on life and therefore your experience in it. Then if you believe God does exist you have to decide what your relationship with Him is. For me this all leads to the other big question in life. Is Jesus Christ who He said He was.

Tuesday Morning Thoughts

2008-08-05T07:51:00.000-05:00

There is no formula for being a disciple of Jesus.
There are as many walks with God as there are people.
I walk with the Lord as only I would.
Just being bill.

and now a word from our sponsor

2008-08-04T21:01:00.002-05:00

While writing my latest beer of the week blog I decided to try to post my beer list to the blog. It worked as you can see to the right. Anyway, this led me to remove the top 10 Coffee Shops in Austin. I'm just not getting to coffee shops right now. That feature and blogs may return, but for now I'm really enjoying beer. Probably has something to do with the 100+ degrees it is here every day.

Thanks for reading! bp

Two Beers Are Better Than One

2008-08-04T18:18:00.001-05:00

A couple of weekend ago I went to the Saucer two nights in a row. The first was my usual - planned usual as twice doesn’t make it a usual thing I suppose - Friday stop by after work with Mack. The next night Kay and I dropped Mack off for babysitting co-op, and stopped by the Saucer with Michael and Angie for a beer before we went on our respective date nights.

Both nights a lovely young lady named Laura was my waitress. She was fun and knew a lot about beer. My kind of girl!

The first night I had Sol (Beer 2 of 200). There is nothing like a good Mexican beer with lime in the middle of an Austin summer. At home I’ve been drinking Tecate which is one of my favorite. The Saucer oddly does not have it so I went with Sol. I remembered it as another good Mexican beer. Perhaps I was expecting too much because it was disappointingly bland. It’s a light beer like Corona but it lacked any bite like Corona or Tecate.

Saturday night I had Boddington’s Pub Ale (3 of 200). Another good beer I remember. Sadly I was disappointed by this one as well, but I had a second one just to make sure. The second one was better. Boddington’s is a very hoppy beer and I think I just had to get my palette used to it. Despite the over abundance of hops it goes down smooth. It is definitely in my top 34.

Vacation Blog - Day 8

2008-07-27T09:35:00.002-05:00

We’re home now. We got up early yesterday and went over to my parents for breakfast. Mom makes an awesome pancake, and I have to have some every time I’m in town.

The most interesting thing about being in Merkel was staying in town at the Scottish Inns hotel. Typically we stay in Abilene at a La Quinta, but it’s so far to go to check on the dogs. Since we were only staying one night we thought we’d try it out. Make future trips easier. It wasn’t the most awesome motel. Our non-smoking room smelled an awful lot like smoke. I can honestly say though that I’ve stayed in worse Motel 6s.

Well Vaca is over. Thanks for reading along with us.

btw if anyone wants to see all the good pictures from the trip go to…
(for some reason this link only works the second time you click it. so, if you have problems hit it again and see if that works)
Wal-Mart Photo Center

Vacation Blog - Day 7

2008-07-25T21:46:00.001-05:00

Little did we know Santa Rosa was such an interesting place. After breakfast we checked out Blue Hole. It’s a spring fed pool 80 feet deep and 60 feet in diameter. It flows at 3,000 gallons per hour and exchanges all the water every six hours. We didn’t spend much time there because Mackenzie just loves water and we wouldn’t let her get in. Looks like it’s time for some swimming lessons.

Santa Rosa is also home to a portion of old Route 66. We saw a pre 1937 billboard that was carved right out of the rock that was beside the road. Very cool except some people took it upon themselves to add to the history by spray painting it. I found it very sad.

Knots In Your Rope

2008-07-25T21:39:00.000-05:00

Every time I take a vacation a line from City Slickers comes to mind. Curly (Jack Palance) is talking to Mitch (Billy Crystal) and says you urban types "spend about 50 weeks a year getting knots in your rope, and you figure two weeks up here'll untie 'em for you.” Curly’s point of course is that it won’t. If you live your life as a stressed up buddle of nerves a couple weeks of vacation is not going to help you all that much. This is good advice.

Since Mack was born I’ve bled my work and home life together in an effort to get it all done. It’s just the nature of the beast. Tack the amount of work and the pace M6 moves at on top of my bizarro schedule and you have a recipe for working all the time. This is exactly what I do. I work on weekends, nights, early mornings, while I’m watching Mackenzie. I’m always on the job. To a certain degree that is never going to change. I can’t expect not to get calls and emails while I’m “off” work when I leave the office every day at two. This is the main reason it doesn’t bother me when I have to do an email or phone call for work while I’m on vaca. I don’t imagine I’ll be able to take five consecutive days off without at least making a phone call until 2013. That’s when the ADA work is supposed to be complete.

The question is how do I avoid getting burned out when I’m always running at such a fast pace. How do I avoid getting knots in my rope? I must admit before this vacation I was getting a little run down. The pace is killer. For me I think the answer is get my rest, eat well, exercise a little, and when I’m working work and when I’m off be off. Human beings were not designed to go at it 24/7/365. No one can hold that pace forever. Well maybe Stu can…

Durango: Day 6

2008-07-24T15:06:00.000-05:00

We spent the morning hanging out with Kelly and doing a little more shopping. Then early afternoon said goodbye and headed out for home. With Mack we are taking our sweet time about it.

Our first stop was Santa Rosa, NM. It took us a lot longer to get there than I planned for, but we arrived safe and sound with Kay’s excellent driving once again.

Along the way we stopped at Trader Joe’s in Albuquerque. It’s a very well known national grocery store apparently. Insanely cheap prices, and really good quality stuff. Since being home I’ve tried their three buck chuck wine and loved it. Good place. Wish one was in Austin.

Durango: Day 5

2008-07-23T14:46:00.000-05:00

Wednesday was another highlight day for me. There were two things I wanted to do while we were in Durango. See Mesa Verde and drive up to Silverton. Of course the big thing is the train from Durango to Silverton, but we’ll have to do that next time. We just couldn’t see spending $75 each with our tight budget.

The drive to Silverton was great, and probably even better than I imagined it. The road winds its way up three different mountain passes with majestic views of even bigger mountains along the way. The day was not all peace and scenic beauty though. Half way up the first pass an engine light came on. I just figured the climbs were a little steep, but we’d make it okay if we just went slowly. Kay was a little more worried though. So, we got out the manual and learned to use the autostick. Kind of a standard for dummies kind of thing the Pacifica is outfitted with. The manual said it was best to use the autostick when climbing so it’s a good thing Kay insisted.

Of course the whole trip I was imagining riding my bike. A few days prior Kelly told me about the Iron Horse Bicycle Classic http://www.ironhorsebicycleclassic.com/ which races the train from Durango to Silverton. It’s 47 miles with 5,700 feet of climbing. I don’t know when, but someday I will do it.

In Silverton we had lunch at High Noon Hamburgers and looked around the shops. The train was there while we were so we took some pictures. It’s a great little town.

That evening we had dinner with Kelly at a nice Italian place, and heading back to our campsite for a fire and S’mores. Unfortunately, it was late when we got back and I got the fire going. Mackenzie was ready for bed. So, while Kay put Mack down I had a beer and watched the fire die.

Durango: Day 4

2008-07-22T14:17:00.000-05:00

Tuesday was not a picture friendly day. In the morning the girls shopped in downtown Durango while I did some random surfing at a coffee shop. I ended up doing more work than surfing. I expect that with my job though so no big deal. I seriously doubt I’ll be able to take five consecutive days off without answering a least some phone calls until 2013. That’s when the ADA work for Motel 6 is scheduled to be complete.

That evening Kelly took us to Pagosa Springs. It’s a natural hot springs about an hour east of Durango. It was awesome. We spent about an hour and a half there soaking in water over 100 degrees. If you’re ever in the area I highly recommend it.