What Does God Want Me To Do?

At times in my life I have struggled with what I want to do with my life. I always wanted a wife, kids and a career. I can check those off. I'm a dreamer though and sometimes think I should be doing more. Things like writing a novel, building my company into a Architectural juggernaut or writing brilliant blogs that change the world. When I start thinking like that I sometimes ask, “What does God want me to do?” I'm always glad I ask the question because it knocks me right out of those thoughts.

My answer to this question comes directly from my good friend and pasture Keith Atikinson. We were talking one time and I don't even think we were on the subject of what God wants me personally to do. We were just talking. Keith said people ask him all the time what God wants them to do. He said the answer is always the same. God wants to have a relationship with you. That's it.

God is love and wants us to know that love. To know him. In the process he does want us to become more like his son Jesus Christ. The particulars of what we are doing while we form that relationship with him and transform into the image of his son are of little concern. Both the famous CEO of the Fortune 500 company and the young man that just started in the mail room have equal opportunity to live in love and grow in Christ. The extent of a person's power and affect on other people is a thing of this world not of the divine. The affect our life has on our heart and soul is the biggest question. Is how I am living allowing me to grow toward the image of Christ or is the life I live moving me away from him?  

I Don't Believe In Luck

One Friday morning I sat down at my office after a bike ride and thought, “man I'm lucky.” Then I remembered I don't believe in luck.

My doubts about luck began in high school. My best friend and I played basketball every day after school. We were pretty evenly matched. He'd win some. I'd win some. He was a good post player and I played pretty well around mid range from the basket. Every once in awhile a shot of mine would bounce around and fall in. It happened enough to be a trend. He always called those shots lucky. It wasn't luck though. Back in the day I had a pretty good jump shot. It had a high arcing trajectory with a little bit of back spin. If my aim was off the ball would bounce around up there and just might fall in. It's called a shooter's roll.

After high school, time and experience only added to my disbelief in luck. I have seen that what looks like luck is actually the combination of timing – or opportunity – and skill. Take for example an actress that develops her craft over many years. When the the right opportunity comes along she is ready and is a success. Some people will always say she got a lucky break. Did she though? If she hadn't spent the preceding years working at becoming a good actress no amount of lucky breaks would have propelled her to success.

So it isn't luck that allowed me to start my own business and have the freedom to ride my bike on a Friday. I did such good work at one of my previous jobs that when the client wanted to change Architects they called me. When they called I was in the perfect position for the opportunity. So a good work ethic plus skill plus opportunity added up to the biggest opportunity of my career.

Lest anyone think I'm too full of myself after reading this let me temper my thoughts with a couple of things I do believe in. The luck of the draw and divine providence.

You can't control the cards you are dealt. It's what you do with them that matters. I was dealt some pretty good cards. Born a white male in The United States of America. My life was always going to be pretty good and way better than a large percentage of the world. Now it's up to me to do the best I can with what I've got. What that entails is somewhat complicated and is a good subject for another blog.

I also believe God is out there looking after each and every one of us and he has a plan. That plan has both good and bad experiences in it as he tries to bring us to him and for us that have accepted him to form us into the image of Christ. On this journey God will answer some prayers yes and some no. It is hard for us to know all of the factors that go into this decision. One prayer that God said yes to me on was about having my own business. The last time I was in New York visiting relatives I realized I didn't want to be tied to an employer. I wanted to be able to take my family to New York for the summer if I wanted. And even if that wasn't possible I wanted to be with my family more. Do more for people. Help at the church. Just be free from the daily grind. It remains to be seen if I can finagle a whole summer in New York, but the rest of it is starting to happen and I am so thankful for it.

”The harder I work, the luckier I get.”

- Samuel Goldwyn

“Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.” 

- 1 Corinthians 1:31 

Sister Mackenzie?

I look back in the rear view mirror and see Mackenzie's smiling face. She's so beautiful. I could be biased mind you, but I think she's going to break some hearts. Of course her heart will get broken too. Just like every other parent the last thing I want is for my little girl to get hurt. Maybe I should send her to a nunnery.

The unfortunate reality is that I can not protect her from everything. Not only can I not protect her I shouldn't. It is through the difficult parts of life that we grow. Without something to struggle against we will coast through life and never come even close to our full potential. I am stronger today because some of my thirty-nine years have been difficult. I've never gone without a meal or lived on the street, but my heart has been broken. Several times. The pain is only vague now. Seen through the fog of time and my happy marriage / family the pain no longer has the same bite. It is there though and it did make me who I am.

This subject reminds me of one of my favorite lines from The Princess Bride. ”Life is pain highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” We can wish for things to be different as much as we want, but it will not change that life is hard. If I completely shield that fact from my kids I will be doing them a great disservice. So while I don't want to see them struggle I must remember to let them. The teenage years are going to be hard.

Oops I Did It Again!

I'm back.

Again.

For the last few years I have had every intention of writing a blog per week. I will accomplish this for a few weeks then go through a long stretch where I don't write a word. So here I am again, beginning again.

I'm not sure it comes through in my blog, but I am a very particular writer. No matter how simple the subject I go over it again and again to make sure I'm saying what I want to. A simple email for work can take me upwards of twenty minutes. So some of my blogs take me quite a bit of time, and that is something I don't have a lot of. I'm a husband and father of two young children. I'm running my own business which consists of one full time job and two part time ones. While the blog is good for my mental health it is pretty natural for it to fall to the bottom of my priority list.

I will always come back to blogging though. As I've said before this is my creative outlet. I've been philosophizing since I was probably fifteen years old when Marc Jenkins and I discussed the nature of God at great length. So this is just how my brain works and it needs an outlet. My mood is directly proportional to if I've written a blog this week. Even though I am engaged everyday with my family and work I just don't feel like I'm doing anything with my life if I haven't written a blog in awhile. I have no delusion that my words are changing the world or even affecting anyone, but they are out there and that is enough for me.

To those of you that read my intermittent words, thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you. 

Sarcasm Is Weird

My generation of Americans has a really weird way of communicating. Most of the time we lace what we are saying with sarcasm and end up saying the opposite of what we mean. I don't know how this came to be, but if you look around I really think you'll find it's true.

The other day I was sitting on the couch with Grayson. There were some boxes I was organizing behind the couch. Being his typical rambunctious self he knocked about half of them over. I looked right at him and said, “Great job son.”

Why in the world did I say that?

How is he supposed to process that information. I said the exact opposite of what I meant. Sarcasm is weird.

I've also noticed a lot of chatter on the internet about this. I think the generation coming up is getting sick of this mode of communicating and I think they are right. At it's root sarcasm is just a way to protect ourselves from having the wrong opinion or from having to actually tell someone something difficult. If we are being sarcastic and are called on anything we just say,”Hey man I was just messing around. I was just joking.” As fully realized mature adults shouldn't we take ownership of our thoughts and opinions and present them in a clear loving way? Shouldn't we mean what we say and say what we mean?

That sounds hard, maybe I'll just keep being snarky about everything.

The Internet Will Save Us From 1984

I had one other point to make about George Orwell's 1984. If complete control of the past was ever possible it's not any more. In the novel the Party changes the history of Oceania constantly. They control and manipulate it to the point where the past doesn't even have any meaning. The most extreme point in the story was when Oceania goes from being at war with Eurasia to Eastasia. Now obviously Orwell was using a highly exaggerated world to make a point, but there are those out there that believe the government is capable of this kind of manipulation. I do not.

And once more if the government tried I believe the internet would save us.

Take the Kony 2012 video for example. The organization Invisible Children made a video that over simplified a very complex situation and it ended up painting a picture that wasn't completely true. Within days of the video going viral the internet ripped it to shreds and spit it back out. That gives me hope. Hope that at least on the important things the internet gets it right and no one or government can control it.

I'll tack on a point here that this is why we absolutely must not allow the internet to be censored or controlled. If we do the most powerful tool for truth and justice could be turned against the truth. If the internet is not a place of freedom it looses it's corrective powers and becomes a tool for misinformation. We must guard against this. 

There Is No Meaning In This

Every now and then I struggle with meaning. When it happens I say it's my existential angst acting up. When I get like this I have trouble seeing the point of life. Why do we do what we do? What is the meaning behind our daily struggle to survive? Why are we born, marry, have children and die? None of it has any meaning. There is no grand purpose. What is the point?

Faced with this existential crisis there are two choices - live or die. Keep going every day or kill yourself. Suicide has never appealed to me, even in my darkest hour, so I have to keep on keeping on. The question then becomes how to live. There are innumerable answers and I can only answer for myself. For me it starts with the fact that at a very basic level I am a creative person. A striver. I always have ideas about how to improve myself, things I want to learn, or projects I want to do. I am not terribly successful at accomplishing these things, but the push is always there. So my choice comes down to either pursue my multitude of ideas or sit on the couch and watch TV. When the angst is kicking I don't see any point to doing anything but staying in bed, but ultimately I will not be satisfied with that. So I get up. The thing to remember is life and particularly a creative life is not linear. It is a cycle of starts and stops. Sometimes even stops on purpose to recharge. Always moving forward though. Trying to accomplish something. Even if ultimately it doesn't have meaning I won't be satisfied living life any other way.

This Is Not 1984

I'm sure most of us were required to read George Orwell's novel 1984 in high school. I can't remember if the book was required reading for us or I just read it to do a book report on. Either way a lot of time has passed. Being such a revered book I decided to read it again. It was good, and Orwell certainly makes you think. Contrary to some of the current political rhetoric I don't believe we are living in that world.

Certainly there is a extraordinary amount of surveillance in public today. I find it hard to believe that anyone would allot the necessary resources to watch all of that surveillance. And we still have privacy in our own homes. There are no omnipresent telescreens behind closed doors. Besides Nineteen Eighty-Four was about more than the physical observation of the citizens. It was about control. Actually controlling the thoughts of people so that you would not even have a negative thought about the party. Thankfully we are not there.

I don't t think we are heading toward a dytopian future either. We may have made some poor choices in regards to freedom in the last few years. All is not lost though. If we move into the future without letting fear rule the day I believe the arc of our society will bend toward freedom. To me the key is always questioning what we allow in the name of safety.

Random Thoughts On Lance Armstrong

What can I say about Lance Armstrong. He is the reason I started riding road bikes so long ago and for that I will always have good thoughts about him. I am not one to put people on a pedestal and consider them more than just a person. We are all people. He never had a squeaky clean image any way. There were always rumors that he doped or was an ass at this or that restaurant. He was a mean demanding team leader. He didn't believe in God but only believed in himself. I didn't care about all of that. I wasn't looking for a hero to idealize and emulate. I wanted to watch a guy go up a mountain on a bicycle really really fast and Lance did that.

It was watching Lance and the US Postal team totally dominate the Tour de France that I fell in love with that century old bike race. The Tour is a spectacle and I love ever aspect of it. From the tactics of bike racing to the fact that the last place rider is called the “Red Lantern.” I will always watch the Tour and again I have Lance to thank for that.

By the time Lance finished winning the seven tours and came back for two more I was enthralled with the sport. I still liked and respected him, but he wasn't even in my top ten favorite riders. People like Floyd Landis, Tyler Hamilton, Jens Voigt, Fabian Cancellara and George Hincapie filled those spots.

Now that he has admitted he doped during all seven wins I feel pretty much the same about him.

The last several years of my sport has been one doping scandal after another. The one that hurt most was Floyd Landis. After that I was pretty much numb to it all. When it came to Lance my opinion was that it just didn't make sense that he was clean. I mean a clean guy beating the spandex off all the dopers? So I was sad but not surprised when I heard he would confess to Oprah.

Lance didn't create the culture of doping. The right thing for him to do would have been to stand up and fight it, but how many of us would do that? How many of us would sacrifice our career to do the right thing. If the only thing between you and victory in the biggest cycling race ever and millions of dollars was a few banned substances that practically ever other pro was taking wouldn't you? I know I would. If I had raced since I was sixteen years old and my dream was to be a pro bike racer and someone said you have to do this I have no doubt I would. So I can't be mad at Lance.

Finding My Inner Tigger

What character from Winnie the Pooh do you think you are?

Those that know me might be surprised that I identify most with Tigger. Winnie the Pooh - a little befuddled and living in his own world – is certainly apt, but Tigger is my man. Google for an image of Tigger and you won't see one unhappy picture. Just bouncy joy.

I'm not - and don't want to be - that happy all the time, but I like Tigger because he is honestly excited about life. You don't see that in our society or at least my generation. When I was young I could be loud and boisterous at times, but that type of behavior was always discouraged. Either by the look of horror on my friends' faces or by an employee kindly asking me to leave the store. Over the years I was taught at least subconsciously that cool people didn't get excited and that you should be reserved and never ever draw attention to yourself.

I just don’t see any good reason to follow this unwritten rule. Why not be excited by life? What harm could possibly come from showing your interest in something. So in 2013 I'm going to try to tap into my inner Tigger just a little bit more. Be more bouncy. Have some fun. Enjoy life. If I like something you're going to know it and when I see someone I want to give a bear hug to I'm going to do it. So watch out. Here I come!

Happy New Year!

My blog did not end the year strong. I was working way to much after I got laid off to even think about writing. That's a odd statement. Let me explain. I started a contract job the day after my last day at Polkinghorn Group Architects. Naturally the firm that needed me for contract was behind or they wouldn't have brought me on. So it was heavy hours for about six weeks. Then we were into the holidays and I could never get back to writing.

Here we are on day one of 2013 though. I'm going to go for it again and try to write a blog a week. Most likely I wont' make it. After all I have two kids, a wife, and a fledgling business to run. But I enjoy my blogs so I am going to try.

Looking back on 2012 it was not a great success as far as my new year's resolutions are concerned. I failed to get off the ground on most of them. I am not going to beat myself up though. Life is hard and sometimes just surviving is success enough. After the last three years we've had financially, raising a boy from 0 to 2, and all the other trouble life can throw at you the fact that we're still here swinging is pretty good. Surviving is not enough though so I will stand up, dust myself off, and try again.

Hello 2013. I'm really excited to see what you bring.

Happy New Year Everybody!