I'm Not Winning Life

My best friend was in Hawaii last week. This is the second time his company has sent him to the islands. It is a free trip for the employees with the highest sales.

I got laid off last week.

I got in touch with an old friend from college. I'm trying to dig up projects for my side venture which I would like to be my main source of income. She is a licensed Architect and has been working for the same firm for upwards of ten years. Her husband has two vet clinics, a share in a third and a high end pet supply store that will probably be franchised around Texas in the next few years.

I have enough money to get through the end of the month (*1).

I'm so not winning life.

How exactly do you win life though? What is the metric of success? Money? Happiness? A close relationship with God? A wife, 2.5 children and a house in the suburbs? There are far too many factors in life for a comparison to other people to be meaningful. Other people start from different places, have different opportunities and made choices I would not necessarily have made. The real question should be am I satisfied with my life. Given my life circumstances have I lived life in a gratifying way?

At this point in my life I'm not sure about the answer to that question. I've done a lot that I'm proud of and reached some of my goals, but I still feel like there is more to do. There are the obvious things like get my Architecture license, but there is something more. It may be that I have not filled my creative potential. Or it might be that my relationship with God needs work. The thing to remember is that life is a journey and my trip is not over.

This blog reminded me of a favorite quote of mine from Gandhi so I am going to tack it on the end.

"The goal ever recedes from us. The greater the progress the greater the recognition of our unworthiness. Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment. Full effort is full victory."

(*1 This line was true when I wrote it, but now it is not. Thanks be to God I picked up a contract job and we're doing better than we have been in over two years. Praying it lasts.)

 

Be the Tortoise

You know the story about the tortoise and the hare? Slow and steady wins the race. Well I'm not the tortoise. I don't do slow and steady. I do fast and erratic. Mostly erratic. A tortoise will do a little bit every day and put a check mark on their list of to do items. I will do that for about three days and then forget I even made a list.

This is a challenge in my life that I haven't completely mastered. From the outside it looks like laziness, and honestly sometimes it does from the inside too. Saying I'm lazy doesn't really do me justice though. I will work hard if the circumstances are right.

I do my job diligently every day. I'm not saying I never slack because I do when things are slow. But if I have work do do I tear through it. I'm not going to goof off while someone is paying me.

If there is a deadline I will generally meet it. It has be a real deadline though. No fake deadline will do. A great example of this iswhen my parents brought down my dad's old truck. There was a massive amount of work to do to make room in the garage. I did it though because the truck was coming and I wasn't backing down. I felt like they would get rid of it if I didn't get it in to my garage and that was not acceptable. Since then the garage has descended into a form of chaos worthy of televising on Hoarders.

Recently I had a bit of an epiphany on this subject.

Just like my bit about the rough draft I think we have to lay down some initial work in order to have huge breakthrough moments, We have to be the tortoise. As a friend of mine that deals with the same kind of cyclical nature told me it's all about discipline. When he told me that I didn't really want to hear it. Honestly I still don't, but I think I can work with it if I approach it like a rough draft. My point is that if you don't do the day to day work when you get that burst of creative energy you will have nothing to work with. Say I wrote a page of a novel a day. It's crap but I do it. Then one night I get a burst of energy and revise it into a beautiful narrative. If I hadn't taken the time to write the crap draft I wouldn't have had anything to work with when the burst came.

I think this can apply to your whole life. Take my closet for instance. I have two filing cabinets setting in the closet. My plan is to organize all my papers, Mackenzie's art and so on in these cabinets. I never do this because the closet is a total disaster. I can't even get to the filing cabinets. If I had the discipline to clean out the closet I would have some place to put everything when the overpowering urge to clean off my desk came Right now all the stuff from my desk just gets shoved in another pile and the cycle continues.

Now where did that list go?

At Least I Got Out Of the Truck

Several weeks ago my office was going to the ground breaking for one of our larger projects. It was the end of the day so we all took separate cars. Two of the guys left slightly before me. I pulled out of our parking lot and came to a complete stop. Traffic was backed up from about the middle of the hill. Through a drizzle of rain I could see a pickup truck on its side and another truck with a trailer on the shoulder of the road. There were people standing by both trucks. As I watched a man came running up from somewhere behind me.

I assumed someone was calling 911.

I sat for a beat or two and decided I needed to be sure. Quickly parking the truck I walked out in to the rain. The first thing I saw was a man in a suit pacing around on the phone. He was obviously talking to emergency services. So that was taken care of. I stood around for a few minutes accessing the situation. I didn't see anything I could help with and started to feel a little dumb for getting out of the truck. My only contribution was getting someone's attention when another person brought a blanket to cover up the guy at the bottom of the truck on it's side.

Even though I felt a little dumb I'm still proud of myself for getting out of the truck. There may be people that naturally react to an event like this by running up to the wreck. I am not that person. My first instinct is the same as my friend's from the office that got to the wreck before me. Stay in my truck and let someone else handle it. I don't want to be the person that stays in the truck. I want to be the kind of person that is ready to help.

Since that is not my natural state I have to work on it. Not only because of the type of person I want to be but someday I might be faced with a situation where doing the right thing will be extremely difficult. If I haven't practiced doing the right thing I might not be ready when the moment comes. If I find out a young boy was raped will I do the right thing or protect my career like Joe Paterno. Will I go along with the killing of millions of innocents because I'm just trying to get through the day? Can I give up enough of myself to make the type of sacrifice my teacher Christ would ask of me? Right now? Probably not, but I hope I can practice enough that if the time comes I'll be able to do the right thing.

Everyone should read this:
The Greatest Crimes Against Humanity Are Perpetrated by People Just Doing Their Jobs

Romantic Love Is Not Enough

If “Divorce Should Be Considered Murder” how do you stay married through all the ups and downs of life? For me it's because I was raised to believe divorce just isn't an option. Baring something tragic like Kay cheating on me – extremely unlikely - I will be married to her for the rest of my life. It's just stubbornness on my part. I'll do anything to stay married. Give up myself. Go to counseling. Whatever it takes I'm in this forever. It's hard though. Particularly when kids are involved. But that stubborn determination to stay married isn't enough. I could end up miserable if that was it. The ultimate answer is I love Kay. What is love though?

In the American vernacular love is intense liking. A romantic feeling that you fall in to. Romantic love will not make it through the long haul of marriage though. Romantic love does not get up at three A.M. to take care of the baby. It doesn't work a dead end job because it's the right thing to do. Romantic love is based on a feeling. Feelings come and go and come again. You will fall out of that kind of love.

The love that will see you through rich or poor is a choice.

It is a choice to put someone’s needs before your own. Their happiness is as important if not more important than your own. At the same time it is one giant choice and a series of choices. In the beginning you make the big choice to love a person. Then almost daily you have to choose to keep loving. Some days are hard. Some days are easy. You have to keep choosing to love though.

You might be asking how do you make the switch from romantic love to forever love. I'm afraid I can't answer that. I want to. I want a nice simple answer you can apply to each of your relationships. It's just too complicated for that. The factors are so large and complicated I don't think we can figure it out on a conscious level. Romantic love, physical attraction, compatibility and similar personal philosophies go in to it, and probably a million other things. As my mom told me long ago. You'll just know. Yea I know that answer sucks, but it's true. You have to trust yourself and look deep inside. I believe if you are honest with yourself you knew that each relationship that failed was going to.

I'm So Over Violence

Why is violence considered entertainment? The fan fiction Punisher film “Dirty Laundry” is awesome, but also disturbingly graphically violent. Not that I was shocked by that. I knew it would be going in. Considering this type of entertainment and the rash of violent shootings I'm starting to wonder what kind of people our society is forming us into.

Let me be clear that I am not saying there is a direct relationship between violent forms of entertainment and actual violence. Everyone except the seriously deranged can tell the difference between a video game and the real world. Healthy people playing violent video games do not walk out their door and start popping people.

My point is that we seem to be a war mongering, brutal violence is entertainment, let's do worse things to the bad guys than they did to us up kind of people. Revenge is our motivation not justice or love.

I have to try to distance myself from this culture. I'm not going to go hermit myself and the family off in the woods, but my goal is to be as like Christ as I can be. Jesus taught to turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:38-40), put down your sword Peter (John 18:10-12) and Paul said to feed your enemy (Romans 12:20). This is not modeled in our culture. Quite the opposite actually. Remember the shooting in the Amish school? They forgave that man for a horrible crime. Instead of being impressed by the Christ like love they showed we think (myself included) what the hell is wrong with them.

Maybe we should ask that of ourselves?

Divorce Should Be Considered Murder

I will now wade into dark and murky waters. I do not imagine I will come out unscathed.

As I discussed in I Want To Be Free To Be Kirk Cameron I am not opposed to gay marriage. The central idea that governs all of my political thought is freedom. I want to free to do what I want to do. If we make laws abridging other peoples rights eventually it will be my turn. I don't want anyone telling me what to do.

That being said I think marriage is the basic unit of a civilization. Anything that weakens that will over the course of history lead to a degradation of a civilization. At this point we could hop down the bunny trail of what makes a civilization great. My answer of course is freedom and suddenly we're back where we started.

I want to take another road.

I want to talk about what I think weakens marriage exponentially more than allowing homosexual couples to marry. That is no-fault divorce. Right now in American society divorce is considered no big deal. This has also affected the church since the divorce rate is no different among Christians than it is in the general public. That troubles me because getting a divorce just because you have grown apart is no more biblical than two men marrying a Labrador.

Of course there are circumstances that make divorce necessary. Society as a whole takes it too casually. A divorce party should not be a thing. It is though. I just googled it. Instead of throwing a party to celebrate the failure of a marriage we should consider divorce to be commensurate to murder. By that I mean something you would never want to do, but can imagine scenarios where it would be necessary.

Why does it matter if people marry and divorce at will? Personal responsibility.

If marriage is the atom of a society then personal responsibility is an electron. In other words even more fundamental. How can a society exist if at the level of interactions between people we can't trust anyone. We can't believe someone when they tell us they will do a thing. If we are to co-exist together we all have to be responsible for our actions and mean what we say. There is no more serious case of this than standing in front of all of your family, friends and God (if you believe) and saying you will be with this person forever.

Here's a little additional caveat so I don't get too beat up. I am not in a situation where I need to even consider divorce. I am lucky. Divorce might be the best option for you. It might be the only option. I'm just saying it should be taken more seriously; however, I do not know if you are taking it seriously or not. I am not you. You are you and only you know what is best for you.

** I should note that the no-fault idea came to my attention through this very good article.

Obama Endorses Same Sex Marriage - Now What?

Create To Live

I still haven't gotten to the point I started toward three blogs ago. Here's a quick review of where we've been. In “To Survive Is Not Enough” I talked about embracing life whether it's good or bad because ultimately it's good. In “More Thoughts On Living” I discussed doing your best in whatever you are doing. I believe both of these ideas are important ingredients to living a fulfilling life. The original point I started writing towards though was meeting our need to be creative.

When I said do one thing that is more what I was really getting at was do something creative. I'm not sure why I didn't just come out and say that. I guess those other two points just needed to be said first.

Creativity is a fundamental part of a human being. I believe when the bible talks about being created in God's image our ability to create is central to that idea. We need to nourish that aspect of ourselves. In this modern hectic world we can easily forgo a creative activity in the rush of work, kids, video games, twitter, facebook, iphones, dishes dogs and on and on. Without a creative activity in our lives we starve our spirits.

So doing something creative. It doesn't have to be big. Don't think you have to write the great American novel to be creative. Write a poem. Write a blog about being creative. If you learn one song on the piano you'd be creating music. The point isn't to be famous or even share it with anyone. Just keep it for yourself or someone special.

Feed your soul.

Create.

Live.

Why I Shave My Head

1. I didn't loose a bet.
2. I'm not secretly a Neo-Nazi.

The first time I shaved my head was before I moved to upstate New York with my brother. We were taking a year off to break the never ending cycle of work sleep repeat. Since I wasn't going to an office every day I decided to shave my head as a symbol for the break we were making from the norm.

3. I don't think I look awesome with a shaved head. I look okay.

4. I do not shave my head to annoy the bald guys my age. People have enough problems without me poking them with a stick.

That first time I went to a Super Cuts type place and had them shave it all off. It was instantaneously awesome. I'm not sure why but from that very first moment I just loved it. It felt great. The best part for me was not having to mess with my hair in the morning. Sure it only takes at max five minutes to fix my hair, but not having to tame it with massive amounts of gel was pure joy to me.

5. While it sounds really good I don't shave my head to flip the finger at the conventions of modern society and what is expected of me. There might be a grain of truth there, but really not the reason.

I kept my head shaved until winter that year. I had to grow it back because I didn't want it that short at our wedding. After the wedding I kept it normal because I was at a new job. Had to look professional and all that. The next summer though I did it again. It was just as awesome the second time.

6. I don't do it for Kay. She's not a big fan. See number three above.
7. The only reason I shave my head is because it makes me happy.

I've lost count how many times I've shaved my head now. We think this is the fifth, but it could be just the fourth. It's been over a week since the last time though and as always I love it. Not even a single regret.

8. #chasethathappy

More Thoughts On Living

My last blog “To Survive Is Not Enough” didn't come out the way it was supposed to. It started out about doing something in our lives beyond the bare minimum. To take the one chance we have in life - excluding any Buddhist in the audience of course - to explore life's potential. By the time the blog was finished it was about our attitude as we go through this rough and tumble life. I think I made a good point because our attitudes are something to be mindful of. Not what I started out to say though. My writing process - as described in "The Beauty of the Rough Draft” - is to write stream of consciousness until I find the chunks I want to flesh out. Most of the time I end up where I thought I was going. Sometimes I find another idea along the way.

The point I started with is that we should do at least one thing that is more. Something more than just getting by. I think this is where my previous blog turned. I am tempted at this point to say you should write a novel, paint a watercolor, learn an instrument etc. etc. That's not true though. Those things are good but you don't have to do anything traditionally “creative” in order to live a good life. Something more could be raising a happy and healthy child. Reading books you're interested in instead of sitting in front of the television all the time. Being the best husband you can be.

My point is to live not just survive. Don't just go to work every day and do the least amount of work you can do to keep your job. Do your best. Don't just keep the kids happy. Engage with them and raise them. Show them how to be human. These two examples hit very close to home as I am guilty of both. I'm working on it though. 

To Survive Is Not Enough

I ended my last blog with the line “... trying to keep my head above water.” I was specifically talking about money, but I was also speaking in broader terms. Right now my life is about survival. Survive to the next check. Survive this temper tantrum. Make the deadline at work. Keep Grayson from having an asthma attack when he gets a cold. Slide payments around to pay the mortgage on time without bouncing checks. Survive just this day. Make it through this week. This month. This year.

There is something to be said for surviving this big bad world but it is not enough.

Life is not something to be trudged through. It will always be hard, but instead of bemoaning that fact we need to take charge of the one thing we can control. Our reaction to it.

Life should be approached with a certain panache. We should go through life with reckless courage in an attempt to experience as much of life as we can. This is not a call to free spirited hedonism. I don't mean just have fun all the time. I mean embrace this life we are living with both arms. Wrap it up and love it. Sometimes it will suck. Other times it will be so wonderful you can't express it with words. Either way just be in it. Experience it. Love that woman you married even when both kids are screaming, the dogs are barking, a pot is boiling over and you just tripped over the humongous pile of laundry on the living room floor. Don't just hang in there live. Laugh out loud. Enjoy it not because it's so fun, but because you're alive. Good times or bad life is always good.

It also helps to remember that two days after that hell day you had your son will run up to you and squeeze you as hard as his little arms can because he's just so happy to see you. That’s nice.

Transformation Complete – I am a Parent

I can tell you step by step the decisions I made and the events in my life that lead me to where I am today. Incongruently it is beyond me how I became a thirty-eight year old parent of two. I just don't feel like an adult or a parent. Sure I've figured a few things out, but for the most part I feel like the same old goof stumbling through life. I went to college because that's what “smart” people did. I majored in architecture because my best friend in college walked me through his class and it looked like fun. I married a girl because I liked her and had kids because I like kids and always wanted them.

Something changed the other night.

It was approximately 3:30 AM. The whole family was at Dell Children's Hospital. We had not been able to control Grayson's asthma and took him to the hospital around 11:00 PM. The doctor prescribed hour long albuterol treatments but they were not getting his asthma under control either. They wanted Grayson to check in to the the hospital at least for one night. According to the nurse only one of us could stay with him. I thought about fighting that but I really didn't want Mackenzie to spend the night in the hospital if she didn't need to.

The easy thing would have been for me to take Mackenzie home and leave Kay to deal with Grayson. It wasn't the right thing though. Grayson is a whirlwind of chaos. Kay can handle him, but in a hospital setting I knew it would be difficult. I was the obvious choice. I so wanted to go home and sleep though. I do not do well with lack of sleep and it's getting worse as I approach forty. Kay knows I was the right choice, but she's a good strong woman and was asking me if I was sure. She knew I was tired.

In that moment of choice something deep inside me clicked. I was going to stay at that hospital and take care of my son. Me. Not anyone else. No one was going to take this burden from me. It was mine to carry and I was happy to do it.

I don't have it all figured out. I'm still just a goof trying to keep my head above water, but I am a parent.

This One Is For the Ladies!

I have no idea what it is like to be a woman.

Obviously.

Neither am I all testosterone and sharp edges. I don't know that I'm as in touch with my feminine side as a man can be, but I have a soft side. I can understand women at least a little. After all I have observed them for the better part of twenty-two years and I've lived with one for the last eight. When it comes down to it though I'm a guy and I think like a guy.

Problem is I'm raising a woman.

There is a minefield out there for Mackenzie and by proxy me to navigate as she grows toward adulthood. Everything from Disney Princess collections and airbrushed “super” models to whack jobs that can't control their urges. A great example of the challenge of being a woman was written by Emily V. Gordon on the xoJane website. ATimeline of One Girl's Relationship with Her Body.

It's a tough read. It reminded me of what I need to keep in mind when interacting with Mackenzie. As a guy most of the experiences she writes about are foreign to me. I've never been bothered by a comment about my body. I honestly can't even remember any right now. When I look in the mirror I see a good looking guy. How many woman can look in the mirror and always be happy? When will the mirror change from something to make funny faces in to judge, jury and executioner for Mackenzie?

Can I stop that?

Probably not.

But I can love her through all the ups and downs to come on her way to being a woman. She will know love. That is all I can really do.

Also, thank God I have Kay with me in this thing. 

The Penn Jillette Challenge!

Penn Jillette is one of my favorite famous people. Funny. Interesting. Smart. Great entertainer. Libertarian.  He's an atheist though and some times it gets a little much for me. I know I'm crazy for believing in zombie Jesus, but I do. So every once in awhile I take a break from Penn. I always go back though. He was recently on the Nerdist Podcast and while I'm not actively looking for content from Penn there was no way I would skip hearing him talk to Chris Hardwick.

As usual Penn spoke at great length and was completely captivating. I found his take on how to judge entertainers particularly interesting. His idea is that the best entertainers have both complete passion and complete talent. From there it goes down in varying degrees of both until you get to the worst entertainers with no talent and no passion. There was also a great story about going to see a Dean Martin show in the 80s. I highly recommend the podcast. It both entertained and challenged me.

The challenge was what Penn said about people that don't want to discuss religion out of respect for others. To quote as best as I could get by listening to the podcast several times.

“It's really true in religious discussions. I believe the people that say we won't talk about religion. We wont' talk about this. I have my feelings you have yours. We'll be respectful. What they are really saying is don't bust me I won't bust you. If you really care about the truth ... What we call tolerance is actually just the fear of being proven wrong.”

The last thing I would want is for that to be true about me. I have always chased after the truth. My faith in Christ came at the end of a very long road. I did not believe at the first alter call I heard, or because it would get me a girl. I actually married a Christian when I was still very much an atheist practicing Buddhism. I would not change my beliefs for her or any reason other than discovering a truth that was not included in my world view. Even at my moment of deepest need for Christ when I called out to him unable to function sitting on the floor during my first nervous breakdown I did not become a Christian. It was several months later after I resolved some intellectual issues I had with Christianity.

Now that I have settled the big questions do I avoid conversations so my answers aren't challenged? I don't think so, but I certainly don't broadcast that I am a Christian to the world. Sure I write about it in this blog, but I keep a pretty low profile in my daily life. If you watched me go about my day would you even know that I am a Christian? I may not be hiding my light under a bowl, but its certainly not on a stand for everyone to see (Matthew 5:15). I've talked about this before here.

So I am issuing - mostly to myself - what I call the Penn Jillette Challenge. To live your life out loud and always pursue the truth. We may disagree what that truth is but does that really matter? There is nothing wrong with disagreeing. The human experience is complicated and I can see where two intelligent people could come to different conclusions. One of us is wrong, and it could be me. We will never figure that out if we don't discuss it though.

Architects Are Never Done

Architects have a reputation for working a tremendous amount of hours and still never finishing on time. Having been in the field for over a decade I can tell you the stereotype is pretty much true. There are innumerable conditions to draw when doing plans for a building. Also, you would be amazed at how much one change can ripple through a set of drawings. Combine the nature of the work with the fact that most Architects I know have at least a touch of OCD and it's easy to see why we end up working crazy hours right up to the deadline.

After so long in the field I've started to learn the difference between what is absolutely necessary and what would be nice to include in a set of drawings. I kept that in mind while working on my most recent project and for the fist time ever I was actually on track to finish a project on the scheduled due date. Unprecedented for most Architects and completely unheard of for me. Not once, that I can remember, have I been completely satisfied when we had to deliver the 100% Construction Documents.

Naturally the one time I am running on schedule the Owner throws a change at us just a few days before the deadline. This bought us a extra week. The change did not affect my work even a little. So did I print on the original due date? Of course not. There are always more details to draw, things to work out and notes to add.

And that is why Architects are never done.

Concrete Bends. Why don't you?

I remember exactly when I learned that concrete bends. It's porous too, but I can't make a neat analogy to the human condition with that.

I was in Building Materials 2 at Texas A&M and we were going over the properties of concrete. Our professor told us how the concrete beams that hold up highway fly-overs are shipped to the site with a camber. In other words they have a shallow curve to them. This is so that when put in place and loaded with cars etc. they bend and appear straight rather than sagging in the middle. One of my friends in the class stopped the instructor and asked him if he just said concrete bends. He said yes. Blew our minds.

The material that we all take as solid, permanent and impregnable bends.

The larger concept in play here is rigid things break. This can be seen in many aspects of building construction. Skyscrapers are another example I really like. They sway in the wind. If they were designed to be completely stiff they would catastrophically fail. Rigid things break.

It is our expectations of how life should be that cause us the most pain. Undoubtedly life will not go the way we plan. We may not find the right woman until we're in our late 20s. The degree we got in college may turn out to not be the one we really need to pursue our passion. If we cling to our expectations of how life should be all we will do is suffer.

Instead we should remember that rigid things break and stay flexible. Be happy we found the right woman and have two kids instead of four. Take night courses to get the degree we need to pursue the career we really want. The more fluid our thinking the easier it will be to accept things the way they are and reset so we can continue toward our goals.

I'm not saying we should be soft and pliable. Going whichever way the wind blows. Instead be like a skyscraper. Sway with the wind and then come back to center. 

This Moment

I wanted to expand on a throw away line I used to end “The RightTime” a few weeks ago.

“Be in the moment. After all this moment is the only thing that is real.”

Its a good line. Seems pretty deep. Makes me sound like a thinker and stuff, but what do I really mean. What I don't mean is live life to the fullest because tomorrow you might die. I do not like that cliché and covered it in “Some Words of Wisdom From Steve Jobs.”

My point is that now is the only time that is real. The past is just a memory and the future is an illusion. This exact moment in time is the only thing that is real. Not the beginning of this blog or the end. Just right now. This sentence is the only thing that is real. Now that sentence is not real. It is the past and this one is real.

Now nobody pull the quantum mechanics card on me. I'm not talking about possibilities I'm talking about how human beings actually experience time. Linearly and forward. What does this all mean? Not much, but maybe it helps us understand the human experience just a little better.  

This Is Not the Stereotype You Are Looking For

I don't have anything against stereotypes. They are simply how our brains are wired. Without stereotypes we would not be able to function in the world. Our brain would be overloaded with new information every second of every day and all we would be able to do is process that information. The problem with stereotypes comes when you are presented with information that varies from the stereotype and you do not adjust your model of that person or thing to account for it. All that being said this blog is really about a stereotype that has been applied to me that I find rather funny.

The set up for this is that I am really good at taking care of kids. I have a combination of patients, mental and physical strength and love for children that makes it fairly easy for me. I'm by no means perfect but it's definitely a talent I have. Kay will tell you that I am better at taking care of the kids than her. Which is what makes this stereotype all the funnier.

Whenever I am out with both kids all by myself it is not uncommon for someone, usually a lady and older than me, to look at me and say, "got your hands full today?"

No one ever has ever said that to Kay when she is out with both kids.

Bill Page busting stereotypes!

Am I a Christian?

On a good day I get up in the morning before the kids do and take a few minutes for myself. I write, read or just have some coffee. At six A.M. it's go time. Feed the dogs. Get Mackenzie up, dressed and eating. Shower and get dressed. Get Grayson up dressed and eating. Leave to take Mackenzie to daycare as close to seven as I can.

On the hour plus drive to daycare and work I either listen to music or a podcast. I work seven to eight hours. Sometimes I stop for lunch. Sometimes I don't. I pick up Grayson on my way home. Another hour of music or podcasts. Kay gets home with Mackenzie around six and we launch right into the nightly routine of supper, baths, books and bed. If all goes well both kids are asleep by 9:30 P.M.

We watch some TV or clean the house. Either way I go to bed way too late for how early I get up. Rinse, repeat and do it all again the next morning.

So where is the Christian in there?

I went from being a hopelessly lost atheist fighting for my share of the limited resources of Earth to having a personnel relationship with my creator who calls me to love my neighbor as myself. Shouldn't my life have changed some? What is different about me from the next lower middle class white guy? The problem is I was a pretty good person before I became a Christian and I'm a fairly good person now. Jesus didn't have to bring me out of a world of vile self destructive behavior. So outwardly I look pretty much the same.

If I am being honest the fact is I have not been transformed. Certainly the spring point for all my actions has changed, but I cannot say I have worked every day of the last seven years to be more like Christ. It is a mistake to think that my conversion experience was the end. It was the beginning, and now the hard work has to be done.  

I Am a Christian

What do you think when I say I'm a Christian? Do you see me sitting around thinking how much better I am than everyone else. How the world is populated by sinners that are going to burn in hell, but I'm safe because I am one of Jesus' chosen few?

I don't.

Quite the opposite really. It was through my study of Christ's teaching that I realized I'm not better than you. I am just a fallible human being like everyone else. It is not merit that closes the gap between God and humanity. It is the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

It is an all too common misconception that Christianity is about living up to a standard or following a list of dos and don’ts. It is humanly impossible to adhere to old testament law or any other list of rules we want to foist upon ourselves. We simply aren't built that way. We will always fall short of the goal. We are human.

Jesus came to give us a new goal. That is to form a close personal relationship with the creator of the universe. One in which we can grow and make mistakes in an environment of love. We are not judged on whether we are virtuous or not. Instead we are invited into the kingdom as sons and daughters. This being true how can we as Christians judge the world harshly?

So what do I think when I look out at the breadth of humanity? I think how sad it is that most of us struggle so much with our day to day lives that we miss the chance to have a close personal relationship with our maker. We miss the chance to be as complete as possible. To be as God designed us.

I think do they know the good news?

Seasons of Life

Our lives have seasons just like the natural world. There are seasons of life when we are planting for the future and other times we are harvesting. Times of work and times of rest. Times to restore our energy and times to use it. Nothing is ever still. Things are always increasing or decreasing. Growing or dying. Expanding or contracting.

Sometimes we have to ask ourselves what season of life am I in?

Am I gathering information and preparing to become an adult? Is this high school or college? Did I become a father. Is this the time to grow and nurture my family. Did I just retire? Is this my time to rest after a life of productivity?

Much of what you do and how you set your priorities are dependent on which season of life you are in. I am the father of two small children. Is now the best time in my life to write a novel or even the short story I thought would be so easy. Probably not.

It is the time to instill in my children the character they will need to live life as joyful healthy people. I'll write that novel later.

The Right Time

I'm a husband and father of two, I have a full time job. I'm studying for my Architectural Licensing exams. I write a (almost) weekly blog. Time is a valuable commodity. It's probably natural to try to multitask. To pack two to three times the tasks in to the same period of time. Study while watching the kids. Write a blog while watching TV with my wife. Make phone calls while driving. Does it really work though?

I don't think it does. At least not for me.

Blogs written while the TV is on come out half baked if at all. I don't retain a thing studying in two minute increments between getting milk for Mackenzie and pulling Grayson off another piece of furniture? The only thing trying to do so much at the same time does is leave me tired and frustrated.

There is a parallel in how I consume information. It's very hard for me to not check Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader, etc. almost constantly and when I see an interesting article read it right then. In our modern age with its overabundance of content this could conceivably keep me occupied for days at a time without accomplishing a single step toward any of my goals. Also, shifting gears to consume content leaves me exhausted just like trying to do multiple things at once.

The problem is I want to do it all.

Now.

I want to write a novel. Learn piano and guitar. Get a doctorate in history. Travel to Manu Pichu and Japan. Get my Architectural License. Be fit and ride my bike all the time. Remodel the house and put an addition on.

I could go on.

At length.

I'm like a hummingbird on meth. I see something shiny and I'm off. I've struggled with this for years and made only the smallest of steps toward reigning it in and actually getting anything done. As with many aspects of the human condition I think this is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.

My goal is to develop the patience to wait until the right moment and when that time comes actually do the thing I need or want to do. I also have to have the discipline to set time aside to create the right time. There will always be a kid to watch, something to clean or a new bit of information to read. I have to very consciously make time if I am going to accomplish anything. The opposite too. When I'm with the kids I need to just be with the kids. Read when its time to read. Practice the joy of doing one thing at a time. Be in the moment. After all this moment is the only thing that is real.

I Want To Be Free to Be Kirk Cameron

I do not like Kirk Cameron.

At all.

Every time I hear him speak I shake my head.

I'll be the first to admit I've had limited exposure to his message though. I am not a hellfire and brimstone kind of guy and cannot stomach when the gospel is presented that way. I was surrounded by that style of Christianity when I was young and it was a factor in how long it took me to come to faith in Jesus. The necessity of accepting Jesus Christ in order to avoid eternal damnation is technically correct; however, Jesus did not present the Kingdom of God that way. His message was Grace first. He did not come to condemn the world but to save it (John 12:47).

Like or dislike Cameron though it is blatant use of Newspeak to call what he said on Piers Morgan Tonight hate speech. To lump a man's polity expressed opinion in with the same kind of rabid hatred spewed by the members of the Westboro Baptist Church is an obvious attempt to squash dissent.

It is legitimate to ask if the acceptance of homosexuality as normal is a degrading factor to a stable society. This time of loose morals where everything goes makes anything acceptable. Is letting people be free to be who they are bad? Did the Roman Empire fall because their opulent lifestyle of seeking pleasure whenever and wherever they could find it made them soft? Or was it because the Mongolians could shoot a crossbow from the back of a horse? I don't know, but it is worth discussing.

As for me I support gay marriage. Freedom has to trump everything and it has to be defended at all costs. If my lesbian neighbor isn't allowed to marry whoever she wants then there is a conceivable future where something I wanted to do would be limited in some way. Perhaps I would not be allowed to have a Bible study in my home. Without freedom the gospel of Jesus Christ cannot be implemented in any kind of meaningful way. Only in a free society can we choose to accept Jesus as our savior.

Do I Really Hate TV?

I want to be internally consistent. The last thing I want to be is a hypocrite. I think it is nine kinds of horrible to say one thing and do another. To say I want small government and then support increasing the social safety net. Or tell Mackenzie she can't have chocolate every day and then have a small piece of chocolate every day. It's just a small piece and I'm already grown it's okay for me.

I pride myself on the fact that if I find an inconsistency in my view of the world I will change something to make my beliefs consistent. For example I noticed I was doing just what I said above regarding chocolate. So I stopped eating chocolate every day. Later in the year I'm going to explore my political versus my social and religious beliefs and see if I can find any inconsistencies. You must be careful with this because it borders on justification unless you really change your core thoughts. Say that in the other example I decide it's more important to help people then I can never say I am for small government again.

I have always said I hate TV. I really watch very little. A couple sitcoms and pro cycling. However, one of my dreams has always been to write on a sitcom. By dream I really mean fantasy because I have never done a thing to move toward it and I never will. I'm okay with that as I've found a passion in Architecture. How can I hate something that I want to do though? That is inconsistent. So I will never say I hate television again. I will say this though. TV should been treated like any intoxicant. Taken in moderation.

My Parenting Advice

My parenting advice is don't take any parenting advice.

That line always gets a laugh. I'm serious though. The most frustrating thing I found when I first became a parent was the shear number of differing opinions on every single aspect of parenting. You ask three people about a particular thing and it is highly likely you will get three completely different answers. A classic example that my wife and I still talk about. Before leaving the hospital with Mackenzie a nurse was instructing us on how to care for her umbilical chord. Keep it dry and if you want to clean it just use soap and water. Absolutely do not use alcohol to clean the chord. The very next nurse that came through the door told us to use a cotton ball with a little alcohol on it. We just looked at each other.

So for most stuff I say don't take advice. Just pick something and go with it. If it doesn't work try something else until you find what does. Don't fret about what is the right thing to do. There are a lot of right answers.

That being said I think there are a few things you should keep in mind while parenting.

First, do not show fear. Just like dogs children can sense fear and they will respond accordingly. Usually with a glass shattering round of tear filled crying. If you remain calm and in charge things will go much better. Do not panic. Also, do not be afraid you will break them. You won't. Trust me I've tried. I dropped my daughter on the hard concrete floor of a parking garage when she was three months old. When we got to see the doctor at the ER she was giggling and playing with his tie. He asked us if we were first time parents to which we sheepishly responded yes. So don't worry so much. Kids bounce pretty well.

Second, you have to make your yes mean yes and your no mean no. Every child that I have ever seen with a discipline problem had parents that would give in after a good fit. There can be no idle threats in parenting. If you say you will spank, turn off the TV, give timeout whatever if the child doesn’t do X you absolutely must follow through with it. Even if it causes things to get worse for awhile. It is absolutely critical. Just so you know I am not perfect in this. It's hard. I need to get better in this area.

Third, the biggest task in parenting after keeping them alive and healthy, which isn't as hard as you think, is to make sure the child knows they are loved. Love them with every ounce of your being. And show them this. However, that is for you. For me it is physical contact. I tackle my children with love. I wrestle constantly. If I am sitting or laying down there is typically a child on top of me. That is how I raised them and that is how I like it. They know they are loved.

Fourth, children will meet your expectations. So expect a lot from them. Expect them to behave, do good in school, make friend's whatever is important to you. They will live up to this. On the flip side if you expect them to misbehave they will oblige you. I can assure you of that. I heard a great example of this concept well before I had children. I don't remember where or who was talking, but I'll tell it like I do. A baseball player had gone to a prison on a volunteer meet the prisoners kind of thing. In the course of talking to a prisoner he said my dad always said I would end up being a catcher in the majors. The prisoner responded that he had ended up where his dad said too.

One last thing. In babies a fever is anything above 100.3. You'll need to know that.  

The Buddha Fords the River (or the Path of Least Resistance is Not Always Best)

I read Atlas Shrugged and Fountainhead back in my twenties and I was taken with Ayn Rand’s view of the world. Or rather how the world ought to be. Now that I’ve become a Christian I’ve abandoned my youthful fascination with Rand.

At the same time I was reading Rand I was practicing Buddhism. I know they don’t go together very well. Just as with Rand my conversion to Christianity has left Buddhism behind. I’d say there is truth in both, but not the whole truth.

While discussing these two disparate philosophies a good friend of mine put up this thought experiment. Imagine Ayn Rand and the Buddha trying to cross a river. Rand would no doubt build a bridge. Destroying at least a little bit of the beauty of nature. The Buddha on the other hand would simply wade into the river and let the current take him across. At one with nature. Sounds good doesn’t it. At the time I agreed that Buddha had the better take on this.

What this thought experiment fails to take into consideration is that the world, the river in this analogy, is not a peaceful stream doing us no harm. It is a dangerous place full of twists and turns and waterfalls. There are two bad outcomes if you just let yourself just be taken by the current of life. First it is quite possible you will never get where you are going. Second there could be a thousand foot waterfall just around the bend you didn't see.

Don't think I am implying Ayn Rand's solution is the correct one in this scenario. As with all of life a balance should be struck. There is a middle ground or fine line. Before building the bridge maybe you should have found the low water crossing that was ten feet away.  

I Could Kill a Man

A friend's relative gave him a gun for Christmas. One of those big semi automatic numbers with a banana clip. Being on the left side of politics his wife was not thrilled. They have a mature relationship though and he is keeping the gun. The compromise is that it will not be loaded in the house. As his wife told Kay, my wife, they are not the home security type.

I'm not the home security type either. If you are going to own a gun for protection you have to believe you can look a human being in the eye and then pull the trigger. I have never believed that about myself. It is highly likely that I would hesitate in the moment of truth and my indecision would give whoever I was intending to shoot the upper hand. So I have never owned a gun in my life, and until recently never fired one either.

While thinking about these facts I realized something has changed. I had children. I also married a woman I very much want to grow old with. So if there was a situation where I honestly believed you were going to hurt either my children or my wife could I kill you? Yes. I would pull the trigger without a second thought and put a hole right in your head.

The Beauty of the Rough Draft

Nothing comes out perfect the first time. You must embrace the rough draft. When I started this blog in 2007 the way I wrote was directly opposite that lesson. I would agonize over every word as I typed. Fretting about getting my point across and not sounding like a complete moron. No matter how hard I tired though I never got it right the first time. There was always a second draft. Typically a lot more than that.

Ideas have to get out of your head before they can be developed. You might be temped to think, as I am, that they are in there brewing and developing. To a certain degree that is true, but they will develop faster if they are on the page. Only then can you see them for what they really are. If you are anything like me it's crap with just a few nuggets of beauty.

Now I can appreciate the rough draft. There is something appealing about ideas in their original form. A purity that fades as they are polished for outside consumption. The first draft is discovery. I begin by writing in stream of consciousness toward an idea. I write like no one will ever see it because no one will. At times it is hard. At other times it is easy. Sometimes it feels like I am just throwing ideas at the page to see what clumps together. It must come out though because if I kept it in my head until it was perfect that is exactly where it would stay.

How Would I Face Death?

We are all going to die. It is an inevitability that most of us, myself included, do not contemplate very often. The inevitable has become the immediate for my friend Gary Devin. In late December doctors found a tumor setting between the two halves of his brain. He is already exhibiting advanced signs of the disease and the average life expectancy is fourteen months for the type of tumor he has. He hugged me the other day. It was the sweetest hug I've ever gotten.

I've never faced death head on. I've always looked at it around the corner. I've lost grandparents, people I've known in passing and friends of friends but no one that would shatter me. That may be why I've never been particularly scared of it and never really questioned death. I'm not one to scream at God demanding why he took someone so early. The sun rises in the east. People die. It just is.

Whatever trepidation I did have vanished when I became a Christian. Would that hold in the face of a terminal diagnosis? I like to think so, but I imagine I'd spend at least a few days under my desk in the fetal position gently rocking while I mumble no over and over again. Why though? I believe I am beyond time. That our souls existed before we entered this plane of existence and will exist after we leave it. So why be scared to walk through a door? Maybe because it is the ultimate unknown and the unknown scares us.

So I do not question the reason or timing of our deaths. I am more interested in how we live our lives in the face of our inevitable demise. I am not going to turn this blog into a live life to the fullest kind of thing though. I've already talked about that idea here.

All I'm saying is not to be scared. Death is only a door.

If you need me I'll be under my desk.  

Create vs Creative

Last week I said writing was the easiest thing for me to do in order to get my creative fix. I worded that wrong. It is the easiest thing to do to fulfill my very human desire to create. I use my creativity all the time in Architecture to solve problems, but I don't get to create much.

You can be creative in any number of contexts. Creativity doesn't have to be about the arts. The stay at home mom that figures out a better way to organize her diaper changing table so she can change her squirmy little boy as fast as possible is being creative. The structural engineer that designs a structure to hold up the artsy Architects weird design is being creative. To design a better mousetrap you have to be creative. It doesn't have to be about writing the great American novel.

When the Bible says we were created in God's image it is not talking about our physical form. Free will and our ability to create are what make us similar to God. That is why creating is one of our fundamental needs. To create is to reach down deep into yourself and pull something out. To bring form to the void. To make something from nothing. To fill the blank page or change the pile of wood into a cabinet. The act of creating reaches down into a fundamental part of ourselves and we need to express that in some form. Writing works me. What does for you?

What Would a Kick-Ass 2012 Look Like?

2011 was a really tough year for me and my family. My son Grayson changed from a stationary bundle of cuteness into a roving force of chaos. Adjusting to a mobile one year old boy consumed a lot of mental and physical energy. My daughter Mackenzie turned five and we decided she was not ready for kindergarten. In my opinion this was our first major parental decision, and it was a hard one. She still had to deal with a big adjustment in that we switched her preschool to where she will go to kindergarten next year. I went back to work after being laid off for seven months. As it always is they hired me three months after I was needed so the summer was a lot of hours at the office which is hard on all of us. Things are good though and I really have no complaints.

Another big thing that happened in 2011 was that I started listening to the Nerdist Podcast. This is significant because it reminded me that I am a creative person and in order to be mentally healthy I have to express that in some form. The Podcast also introduced me to another world of great and creative people on twitter.

So coming off a very challenging year and being inspired I really want to make 2012 a kick-ass year. There are a million things I'd like to improve in my life, but flossing more regularly and organizing my music don't necessarily make an awesome year. So what does a kick-ass 2012 look like for me?

Architecture

I've been working in architecture since 1998. While I could have been a licensed Architect years ago I never really felt I knew enough until the past couple of years. I won't be able to complete the licensing process this year because I just don't think I can get through all seven tests in one year. I am going to knock out four of them though. The one I failed last year and three new ones.

Writing

I think deep down I am a creative Renaissance man. I can see myself doing wood working, sculpting, writing and music at some point in the future. At this point in my life though the easiest thing to get my creative fix is to write. I've really come to enjoy writing even if what I write sucks at the end. At the very least I always enjoy typing words. I am going to focus my writing on this blog and put out a lot more content this year. That alone would be good but not kick-ass. So I am going to tackle some of the hard topics I have always meant to. Like the common misconceptions about Christianity and where my views fit on the political spectrum.

Fitness

If you saw me on the street you would not consider me overweight, but I am thirty pounds heavier than I want to be. So it would fantastic if I could drop those pounds and be fit enough to ride The Dam Loop. For those outside the Austin cycling community the Dam Loop is a 50 mile cycling route that goes by the dam that forms Lake Travis.

Travel

There are two vacations I have in my head and it would be awesome if we could take either one. The first is to visit my friend Tammy in Guatemala. She's there with her husband and family doing missionary work for the church. The second is to go out to Los Angeles. I have a couple friend's there and so much I want to do. Like go to the Wednesday night Meltdown show with one of the hosts of the Nerdist Podcast. See a show at the Disney Concert Hall which was designed by Frank Ghery. There is more to this goal than just taking a vacation though. We'll need a lot of money for either of these trips and that goes into a 2012 goal that I'm not going to discuss on the blog!

The Truck

A couple years ago my dad gave me the Dodge pick-up truck we drove when we moved from Potsdam, NY to Merkel, TX in 1981. I will fully restore it at some point. I know I wont' be able to do it all this year but I am going to do something on it. Just one thing. What is implied in this goal is cleaning the garage. The truck is buried in junk right now and it's going to take a bit to get where I can work on it.