My Parenting Advice

My parenting advice is don't take any parenting advice.

That line always gets a laugh. I'm serious though. The most frustrating thing I found when I first became a parent was the shear number of differing opinions on every single aspect of parenting. You ask three people about a particular thing and it is highly likely you will get three completely different answers. A classic example that my wife and I still talk about. Before leaving the hospital with Mackenzie a nurse was instructing us on how to care for her umbilical chord. Keep it dry and if you want to clean it just use soap and water. Absolutely do not use alcohol to clean the chord. The very next nurse that came through the door told us to use a cotton ball with a little alcohol on it. We just looked at each other.

So for most stuff I say don't take advice. Just pick something and go with it. If it doesn't work try something else until you find what does. Don't fret about what is the right thing to do. There are a lot of right answers.

That being said I think there are a few things you should keep in mind while parenting.

First, do not show fear. Just like dogs children can sense fear and they will respond accordingly. Usually with a glass shattering round of tear filled crying. If you remain calm and in charge things will go much better. Do not panic. Also, do not be afraid you will break them. You won't. Trust me I've tried. I dropped my daughter on the hard concrete floor of a parking garage when she was three months old. When we got to see the doctor at the ER she was giggling and playing with his tie. He asked us if we were first time parents to which we sheepishly responded yes. So don't worry so much. Kids bounce pretty well.

Second, you have to make your yes mean yes and your no mean no. Every child that I have ever seen with a discipline problem had parents that would give in after a good fit. There can be no idle threats in parenting. If you say you will spank, turn off the TV, give timeout whatever if the child doesn’t do X you absolutely must follow through with it. Even if it causes things to get worse for awhile. It is absolutely critical. Just so you know I am not perfect in this. It's hard. I need to get better in this area.

Third, the biggest task in parenting after keeping them alive and healthy, which isn't as hard as you think, is to make sure the child knows they are loved. Love them with every ounce of your being. And show them this. However, that is for you. For me it is physical contact. I tackle my children with love. I wrestle constantly. If I am sitting or laying down there is typically a child on top of me. That is how I raised them and that is how I like it. They know they are loved.

Fourth, children will meet your expectations. So expect a lot from them. Expect them to behave, do good in school, make friend's whatever is important to you. They will live up to this. On the flip side if you expect them to misbehave they will oblige you. I can assure you of that. I heard a great example of this concept well before I had children. I don't remember where or who was talking, but I'll tell it like I do. A baseball player had gone to a prison on a volunteer meet the prisoners kind of thing. In the course of talking to a prisoner he said my dad always said I would end up being a catcher in the majors. The prisoner responded that he had ended up where his dad said too.

One last thing. In babies a fever is anything above 100.3. You'll need to know that.  

The Buddha Fords the River (or the Path of Least Resistance is Not Always Best)

I read Atlas Shrugged and Fountainhead back in my twenties and I was taken with Ayn Rand’s view of the world. Or rather how the world ought to be. Now that I’ve become a Christian I’ve abandoned my youthful fascination with Rand.

At the same time I was reading Rand I was practicing Buddhism. I know they don’t go together very well. Just as with Rand my conversion to Christianity has left Buddhism behind. I’d say there is truth in both, but not the whole truth.

While discussing these two disparate philosophies a good friend of mine put up this thought experiment. Imagine Ayn Rand and the Buddha trying to cross a river. Rand would no doubt build a bridge. Destroying at least a little bit of the beauty of nature. The Buddha on the other hand would simply wade into the river and let the current take him across. At one with nature. Sounds good doesn’t it. At the time I agreed that Buddha had the better take on this.

What this thought experiment fails to take into consideration is that the world, the river in this analogy, is not a peaceful stream doing us no harm. It is a dangerous place full of twists and turns and waterfalls. There are two bad outcomes if you just let yourself just be taken by the current of life. First it is quite possible you will never get where you are going. Second there could be a thousand foot waterfall just around the bend you didn't see.

Don't think I am implying Ayn Rand's solution is the correct one in this scenario. As with all of life a balance should be struck. There is a middle ground or fine line. Before building the bridge maybe you should have found the low water crossing that was ten feet away.  

I Could Kill a Man

A friend's relative gave him a gun for Christmas. One of those big semi automatic numbers with a banana clip. Being on the left side of politics his wife was not thrilled. They have a mature relationship though and he is keeping the gun. The compromise is that it will not be loaded in the house. As his wife told Kay, my wife, they are not the home security type.

I'm not the home security type either. If you are going to own a gun for protection you have to believe you can look a human being in the eye and then pull the trigger. I have never believed that about myself. It is highly likely that I would hesitate in the moment of truth and my indecision would give whoever I was intending to shoot the upper hand. So I have never owned a gun in my life, and until recently never fired one either.

While thinking about these facts I realized something has changed. I had children. I also married a woman I very much want to grow old with. So if there was a situation where I honestly believed you were going to hurt either my children or my wife could I kill you? Yes. I would pull the trigger without a second thought and put a hole right in your head.